The Ghost of Christmas Past

I don't know if it is fair to say that I am haunted. But memories have become tangled in my mind like kite strings in trees on a windy day.

I am deluged with memories from 44 Christmases that have come and gone.

I feel melancholy but not particularly sad.

Just wondering about Christmases I have yet to experience.

I want to honor Him today. I want Him to know that I have not forgotten Him. I have not forgotten what He did by coming to earth, making Himself man so He could feel as man feels.

I know He did, feel, weep.

And He rejoiced.

Tonight I sit with memories swirling in my mind. Long ago days that I can recall only glimpses of along with more recent days that burn bright and vivid in my mind.

And my heart cries out with thankfulness.

You knew when I was formed that this time would come. And in every way You prepared me to feel loss yet to continue to feel love.

And I do. I still feel the love that little girl felt laying in bed anticipating what the morning would bring. I still feel the love that shimmered when my own babies woke me at 3 am to let me know it was Christmas.

I still feel the love You had for me as You made Yourself a living sacrifice for MY sins.

I can feel each year tonight, each moment in time. And more than that I can see Your love for me in every memory.

You are the love of my life. Looking back it is so plain to see, no one loves me more than You.

The Way We Were

I heard a song the other day

Another memory

Another time

And I could see days long gone

The softness that time has provided

To yesterday

I could hear the voices of the past

Ringing in my heart

Drawing out a longing

To relive that precious time

Knowing now how precious it was

Missing the way we were.....

When I Grow Up....

There are many things that I think about when remembering my mother. Mama was unique in so many ways.

My Mama tended to exaggerate, especially when it was something to do with the health of someone else.

Case in point: I was still living at home. My sister, Cyndi, had injured her shoulder.

I get a call from my Mom. "You need to go over to your sister's house and help her. She can't use her arms! She really needs some help!"

The phone beeps.

"Hold, on a second, Mama."

Click.

It's my sister on the line. I can just see her standing there with my brother-in-law, Randy holding the phone to her ear.

I explained I was talking to Mom and I would be over in just a bit to help her.

When I get there, her shoulder hurts, just one shoulder, but she has the ability to use both arms.

She called me one day to tell me a tornado was headed my way and that I needed to get into the hall closet!

I slam the phone down, grab my cat, Tiger, and jump into the closet.

The phone starts ringing.

It doesn't stop.....

I run out of the closet, certain I am going to die before I can get back in there and it's Mom on the phone.

"Are you OK?"

"Mama! I was in the closet!!"

She had a quirky sense of humor that not many saw but us.

She was strong as she needed to be yet she also had the tendency to panic.

After we moved to Douglas Mom developed the habit of panicking with every siren she heard go by. I cannot tell you the number of calls I got from her. It was always the same thing.

"Are you OK? I just heard the sirens go by."

I was working nights and she called after lunch one day in the "middle of my night."

I saw it was her on caller ID so I thought I would just call her back in a little while when I got up.

Next thing I know I hear "It's a Small World" playing over and over. Since that happened to be our door bell at the time I finally got up and made it to the door to find Mom standing there.

"You had better get up before your house burns down around you!!"

The woods at the end of the road were on fire and it had, indeed, burned into our next door neighbor's yard.

After her abrupt delivery of her message she got into her car and drove away and I stayed outside spraying the water hose on my yard to prevent burning.

She called one day as she normally did. "Are you OK?"

To which I hastily replied, "Why, did an ambulance go by?"

It hadn't. And my teasing hurt her feelings. She pretty much quit her siren calls after that, much to my deep regret.

I missed them.

I often thought of how she dealt with it in terms of her other children. She was too far away from them to sense trouble that might have involved them. She couldn't hear the sirens to alert her that all might not be right. She just had to trust that it was. She could hear it in your voice if it wasn't, no matter how well you tried to conceal it. And she WOULD get it out of you, no matter how long it took!

She never quit worrying about me, even to the end. She downplayed all that was going on with her for my benefit and questioned me about, well, me.

And I feel the depth of loss of her, and the way she loved me, unconditionally.

I hear her voice often times....

I hear it coming out of my own mouth.

"Where are you at? There was a bad wreck in town."

"Call me when you get where you are going so I will know you are safe."

"If you go there sick like you are you are going to end up with pneumonia!!"

Every time I hear a siren and I don't know where my children are I feel a clinching in my heart and I know this is how she always felt.

It doesn't turn off, no matter how old they get to be....no matter how old I get to be.

I have become so much like her in many ways, and that suits me just fine.

I have grown into some of her attributes, some of her mannerisms, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I sure do miss my Mama.....and when I grow up.....I want to be JUST like her!!

She Works Hard For The Money

I know, you have missed me, dear blog. I have missed you too!!

I have been busy, busy, busy. Work has kept me running here and there and everywhere. I will be so thankful to have things even out...if they ever will.

For Thanksgiving we escaped and went to Disney World for 4 fabulous days! We had so much fun! I really think this was the best trip yet.

We laughed and loved and laughed some more. And you know, I become I little kid again as soon as I see that big Welcome sign that crosses the road when you are entering in. We actually stayed inside Disney this time. I don't think I will ever stay anywhere else.

I know it has been said by some that I spoil my children. It has even said that I have "Bought" their love....which is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard.

I have loved. Plain and simple. And in that love or out of that love, I have tried to store up memories for my family, for that "someday" when I am no longer here. I want them to look back and say, "Remember when..."

We have just as many memories right here in the confines of these walls as we do at Disney or any of the other places we have visited.

And here is another secret....I work hard, I pay my bills, I'm not up to my eyeballs in debt, and if I want to enjoy my family, that is my business.

Wouldn't you agree?

I will let you in on another secret.... **whispers** I was spoiled, too.

Yup, there it is.....

Did I turn out bad? I don't think so.

And I have noticed something....my kids are pretty great. I'm proud of them, of who they are and who they strive to become.

And I think they love me, too. Not because of what I may have given them, materially, but because of what I have given them maternally.

So, we went to Disney for Thanksgiving. And we had a wonderful time laughing and loving.

And we made plans for the future. Plans for when they move on and have families of their own. Plans to return to laugh and love all over again, year after year.

Now, that made my Thanksgiving something to be thankful about. How blessed I am to have my family. How blessed I am that God has allowed us to be in the position to enjoy something like Disney, because I know how situations can change in an instant.

And I am thankful that even if I didn't have 2 dimes to rub together, I have love beyond measure.

That is something you could never put a price on.

So, I work hard for every paycheck, but, thankfully, love has come easily to my life. I have given love, and it has been returned tenfold!!

Thank You, my faithful Savior, for YOUR love for me. You HAVE given me the desires of my heart. And when that great day comes I know that it will be the love that I have for my children that they will remember most of all! I love You so much!!

Lessons Learned

You know how when you are in the midst of trial and trauma you think, "What is going on here?"

I know that I have on occasion asked God, "What's up?"

Today when talking to someone dear to me who is going through a trial I told her about one instance when I was walking into work, laughing....inappropriately....

I was talking to the Lord with each step.

Finally, I said, "Lord, I just want ONE normal day. Just one."

We sing a song at Truth Harbor called, "For A Time Such As This."

When I have been knee deep in my own circumstances and the problems are continuing to rise I have, at times, felt like there could surely be no way out.

And then, time passes, and I realize so have the situations that I thought would consume me.

So, here are just a few things I have learned during some of the sinking moments of my life. Who knows, maybe someone else is in the midst of their own quagmire of life and is looking for a thread of hope to grasp.

Maybe I faced some trial in the past for just such a time.

First and foremost: Not crying over spilled milk doesn't mean it hasn't spilled.

I have had my heart broken over the past several months, over the past several years. My tendency is to shove the hurt in some little dark corner and pretend all is well.

But pretending all is well doesn't make it so.

Life is full of hurts and though I am NO advocate of wallowing in self pity I have learned that I have the right to grieve, I have the right to be sad. I don't owe anyone an apology or an explanation.

On the tail of that, let me say that when you hurt I can never really KNOW how that hurt makes you feel, therefore I can't say how you should react to it.

It's your pain, just as I have mine. None of us can measure another's pain by our past experiences.

I have also learned that in life we win, we lose, and we keep on living.

Even after loss it is OK to live again. It is OK to laugh, to enjoy life.

That in no way takes away from loss, it doesn't lessen it.

It just says that your heart is still beating in your chest, your blood is still moving through your body, and thoughts are still being conceived in your brain.

Laughter really is powerful medicine.

I have learned over the years that nothing is much more important than those who love you.

Those who REALLY love you....

LOVE YOU.....

For who you are, not who they want you to be.

There are those in my life who make over me....to my face....

I know who they are because love can be felt.

See, the trick is in the knowing. That gives you the power not to let it matter to you. These statements may sound bitter or cynical unless YOU really know ME. Because if you do, then you know I feel neither. There is a peace in knowing who loves you, a freedom.

And I love that!

I have learned that at then end of each and every day I lay down to rest in my own skin. The decisions I have made, good or bad, are mine. And I have a responsibility to make sure they reflect the One that loves me most of all so that I can rest easily when my eyes close at night.

Lastly, give yourself permission to be who you are. Allow Him to work through who you are to reach His purpose for your life.

Love without ceasing, until the very last breath you draw in. And if you get wrinkled up, let it be from smiling, from laughing in spite of everything life throws your way.

"Happiness is a journey, not a destination."

Good Night, my friends......

Dearest Blog....

I have missed you.

We will visit soon! I have many things to tell you!!

Love,

Sheri

Get Your Own.....

I have been feasting lately on some of the best messages! I LOVE good preaching!! There is nothing that compares. This is not entertainment; when I listen to a message by a man of God, I am prepared to be challenged and changed! That's what it's all about!!

I have 2 children (of my flesh and blood) and I have prayed for them over the courses of their entire lives. I have prayed many, many prayers. And I don't foresee that ever ending as long as I am drawing breath into this body.

I have prayed about their hearts, about their minds. I have prayed for protection for them against the rulers of this world.

I have prayed about their futures, their callings....

I have prayed about my dreams for them, the dreams I see when I look at them.

I have asked God for many, many, many things during my many, many prayers.

And I know within my heart that He has His own dreams for them. So, I pray that I can see those dreams fulfilled.

Matthew 20:20 Then came to him the mother of Zebedee's children with her sons, worshiping him, and desiring a certain thing of him. And he said unto her, What wilt thou? She saith unto him, Grant that these my two sons may sit, the one on thy right hand, and the other on the left, in thy kingdom.

The mother of James and John sought the Lord for His favor on her sons. And He listened to her plea. After all, she had led them before the Lord in worship.

But, in this instance, it was not enough.

They weren't granted these places of honor because Mama asked. Jesus said, "You don't know what you are asking."

These "boys" were not allowed to ride in on the tail of Mama's coat. But, they did do many things for the Lord. They were loved of the Lord.

Because, at some point, they got from behind Mama and sought after His favor for themselves.

Let me tell you young people something: You can't sit back and expect doors to be open for you because your Mama prays.

You can't hang out on the pew, texting your buddies and expect to be used of God.

Daddy ain't gonna get you into the presence of God, he ain't going to get you an audience with the Almighty.

And just because you have a phenomenal Pastor, don't think you automatically slip to the front of the line.

If you want the favor of God in your life, you better get serious and get to it.

I was not raised under a pew. I didn't cut my teeth on the Gospel, didn't grow up with the songs of Zion ringing in my ears.

I was basically ignorant of the things of God when He found me. When I got on my face and wept bitter tears of repentance I wasn't doing it because it was all I knew.

I was doing it because I was desperate, and grabbing hold of Him with both my hands was all I KNEW to do!

I had not heard about gaining His favor for my life. I only knew I was broken and it was only at His feet that I was going to be repaired. I didn't accept Him as my "Personal Savior," I prayed He would clean me up and accept ME! (once again, I think that is the most arrogant of doctrines...to think that *I* could wake up one day and decide to *accept the Lord* and because of that Acceptance on MY part I am forever saved....SO--->What would be the point of the rest of the gospel? Why would Paul die DAILY if it was a one time thing....but, I digress)

There was a certain man in the Old Testament, one that I have gleaned much from over the years, a man named Jacob.

I am pretty sure you know the story from Genesis 32:24-29 how Jacob wrestled with a man all night. When Jacob would not relent his thigh was touched causing his walk to change. Yet, he would not let go.

Verse 26 says: And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh, And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.

I won't give up until I have Your blessing. And even if it causes the way I walk in this world to be forever changed, I will not stop until I have prevailed.

It wasn't Mama on the ground, wrestling for favor for her son. It wasn't Daddy rolling around in the dirt.

There comes a day and time in your lives when it's time to stop riding on the coattails of others and get down in the dirt and wrestle until God gives you a blessing.

There comes a time when YOU have to make this real for yourself, when you realize that you can't rely on the walk of others to get you where you need to go.

One day you have to get down and dirty with God, when YOU get down on the mat, and you have to hold on until you get that favor, that UNMERITED favor, because even a wrestling match doesn't win that favor, *accepting* Him doesn't win that favor. THAT unmerited favor is **GRACE** and it is undeserved.

But when He sees YOU are serious. When He sees you leave your phone in the car at church and put everything you have into worship, when He sees you in pre-service prayer, when He sees you are SERIOUS....

He will change your Walk, your Talk, your Dreams and your Desires.

If you want the favor of God in your life there is only one way to get it.....

On Your OWN!!!!