The Treasures of Darkness

Many years ago my Pastor made reference to placing scripture throughout your home. I took that to heart.

Some time later as I was facing a fierce trial, God gave me a scripture to help me through it. I got out a pack of index cards and proceeded to write that scripture over and over and over.

It has been interesting to see the different places those little index cards have shown up as the years have gone by. I put one inside my medicine cabinet and it is still there as a reminder of His faithfulness to me.

I don't know if anyone besides me has ever been through a dark time in their lives. For a time I felt like I was locked away in the darkest prison, praying for release. And, as for myself, it is so hard when you are surrounded by darkness to be able to remember what the light looks like. Darkness can be so dense and impenetrable. Your situation could be small in reality, but if you are facing that small situation while surrounded by darkness it becomes larger and larger in your mind.

In my case, the situation was not small, nor was it anything that would resolve quickly. It seemed to me that I was in darkness the size of a football field with no way to find the escape.

Isaiah 45:3 I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name.

It has been some time since I have faced that particular trial. And as I am still living and breathing and putting thoughts together, you can believe I have faces trials since. This is what I have learned through this scripture, even in the darkest trials there are treasures for me. Treasures.

During some of my trials I have drawn closer to Him, closer to my Pastor and Pastor's wife, and closer to my family. I have learned things about myself and about strength I didn't even know I had during those dark times. I have learned how to overcome, how to stand for what I believe in, and how to continue to walk, even when it is so dark I cannot see my feet.

I have also found there in the darkness secret places within myself, within the scripture and within my walk with God that are full of hoards. These hoards have made my life richer and fuller because I have been able to use them to grow, to increase.

Most importantly, I am reminded as I hold the treasures that He still knows me. It is His voice that calls to me, leading me out of the dark places and surrounding me with the light of His love. I have been amazed of late when I can actually catch sight of the treasure that awaits me as I come out of the darkness of situation and into the light of love.

He knows, He sees me right where I am. God doesn't need night vision goggles to see me sitting in the middle of darkness. He sees. He knows. And, He is preparing a treasure just for me for when I finally make it out.

So, if you are facing a dark time, if you feel like you can't even see your hand in front of your face, take comfort in the fact that you will find treasure there in the darkness if you are willing to endure till the end. 

Pauses on the Journey

I am 46 years old. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by this fact. It is obvious that I am no longer in the bloom of youth, but I am really ok with that.

Years ago I left my parent's nest and flew into a married home. Six months later I found out I was expecting our first child. And, not quite 3 years later we were blessed with our son.

My whole adult life I have lived within these roles. My journey has been that of caring for my family.

And, even though my proposed destination is the same I have found that my roles have changed.

Sadly, I am no longer a wife. Although I am still a mother and always will be, my children are now grown and do not have that need for me as they once did.

Here I am, paused on my journey. Those things that have fueled my progression for so many years have changed.

I am, by nature, a caregiver. I thrive on making sure those I care for are "cared for." It is a different vehicle that drives me on the journey now. Where I once had much to do from my waking till I hit the sack each night, now many times I find myself sitting in total silence waiting until I can go to sleep. What a change.

I think there are many who find themselves in this place. I have now been thrust into a role I have never really played, that of simply....me. And, the challenge at my age is understanding who that is and what fuel I need to continue.

It is not as simple as it seems and I think I have made more mistakes trying to get going than I could have ever imagined. Difficult does not even begin to describe it. I have even wondered if somehow I had become lost and drifted off my path.

Interestingly enough, that old cliche that surrounded women in my position still exists. And, I have learned that silence is really golden as no one really wants to know your struggles. But, since I don't usually share personal items, this has been less of an issue. It does seem that suddenly it is thought the core of who I am has somehow changed.

I do still have Someone who listens, so that is all I need, right?

I have such a greater understanding of the things I have watched others experience. Things I heard them say have suddenly become vivid to me. It has caused my steps to slow as I adjust not only to who I am now, but to how others now perceive me.

But, once again I am stepping, moving toward the goal. Looking forward to another day to do all I can. And, in my pause I was introduced to a new friend...me.

The Bitter Pill

It is a desert,
A place unfamiliar
And you wander
Searching for the way
With no one to give direction
On how you should proceed

It is dry
And it is lonely
And you want
Just to feel a smile
As you realize nothing here
Is anything you even recognize

So you try
Doing all you know
Hoping it is right
When nothing is now
And you stumble through
As you try to become someone

Here you are
Flesh and blood
Imperfect
And alone
You try to find your way
You just want to find your way

It's all wrong
Every action
And correction
Unforgiveness
That's what you see
Because you should know

But you don't
You can't
It's unknown
All new to you
And you just keep on
Hoping you can find it

You find
Instead
Their faces
Pinched tight
As if they have swallowed
A bitter pill that cures nothing

Never right
Never enough
There you are
In that place you escaped
Just older now yet no wiser
Obviously since you still search.

"The Baby"

Many years ago there was a little family. In that little family there was a Daddy and a Mama, along with a son, a daughter, and a baby.

I was that baby.

In every family there are nicknames that get stuck to its members.

Mine was "the baby."

Yesterday marked 3 years since my Daddy passed away. It just doesn't seem possible.

And even though he has been gone 3 years, he still walks the corridors of my dreams on a regular basis.

He comes to give me advise, to tell me all is well. He comes to give me direction. Sometimes he comes to just visit.

Even my dreams know that the baby still needs her Daddy. It seems like I need him more today than I ever have.

What an empty void was left in my heart.

A void filled with such longing that even my dreams try to fill it.

Oh, Daddy. Boy, do I wish I could talk to you. I sure could use your advise, your wisdom. You know how much I always needed you.

Here I am. A 46 year old baby. Yet, I am "the baby" still. And I still feel the love that my Daddy and Mama had for me. When I die someday far away from now, I hope, under my name someone please put "The Baby."

Missing you both today. Hopefully, I will see you somewhere in my dreams tonight. 

All I Have

For years it has been left
Just waiting
Like a tree waiting for spring
To bring forth its fruit
For years I have held it
Anticipating
A day just like today
When I could put it to use.

And I've dreamed about the moment
When I would awake from within
I have longed for all I have
To be wanted again
I have hovered under the chill
Of yesterday now spent
Waiting for the dream to begin
All I have
All I have
I give

It's no mistake that I am here
No accident or trick of fate
It is a promise of something
That I never knew before
That has fed the hope that waits within

And now today I find you near
And I see inside your heart
As you see mine
It is you after all these years
That will treasure all I have to give
And I will blossom and bloom
In the care of your love.
My heart will at last
Be safe to give it all

The Search

I have been going through many changes in my life. MANY changes. I wish I could say each new thing that has happened has left me with a smile on my face and a glow about my heart. NOPE.

There is something about change that, well, changes you. 

GASP! There is some deep thinking, right there. 

“Someone was hurt before you, wronged before you, hungry before you, frightened before you, beaten before you, humiliated before you, raped before you… yet, someone survived… You can do anything you choose to do.” –Maya Angelou

Why is it when you go through something you think you are the only person that has ever gone through something? I am talking to myself here. Recently I experienced a major change in my circumstance. And this change in my circumstance brought up questions about my own worth and my own value. 

And with this deluge of questions coming at me there were also other issues that shook the very foundation of who I am. I was punch drunk. 

As I staggered around trying to get my bearing I became disoriented. In this I looked in the wrong places for my answers because I could not find my safe harbor.
  
"We can endure much more than we think we can; all human experience testifies to that. All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of pain. Grit your teeth and let it hurt. Don't deny it, don't be overwhelmed by it. It will not last forever. One day, the pain will be gone and you will still be there." - Harold Kushner When All You've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough

I have been though many events in my life. But, for the first time I can ever remember I was truly afraid. My fear coming from the gaping hole in my chest where my heart once resided. 

When we face tremendous change we grieve the loss of what we are leaving behind. We grieve the loss of our hopes, the loss of our dreams, even the loss of our innocence. 

In the midst of this grief we also have to accept the changes and what those changes mean to our lives. I have found myself at a loss during prayer, essentially just begging God to help me over and over and over. 

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."-Anatole France

My head tells me to remember the promises God has given me, to hold on, endure, because better days are ahead. But, that gaping hole where my heart was continues to bleed, weakening my defense and increasing the struggle. 

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill  

It has seemed to me that I may not survive, at times. But, I cannot stop. I cannot give up. My daughter had a dream at the beginning of the process. She said that she dreamed I was called upon when it was all behind me to give my testimony. She said as I spoke I dropped to my knees and began to worship God for what He had done in my life. 

So, I have pressed on. 

Because I am confident in the promises God has given me. Even when I was derailed by pain,   I knew. 

"I went on the search for something real, 
Traded what I know for how I feel, 
But the ceiling and the walls collapsed,
Upon the darkness I was trapped,
And as the last of breath was drawn from me,
The light broke in and brought me to my feet."

It is that light of hope that I can see now. 

“Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.” ― Helen Keller

You made promises to me, and Oh I am longing for them. I am holding to them, depending on them, and believing in them. You have never left me, never forsaken me, never, ever let me down. Help me Lord, to keep my eyes on You where they belong and look to You for the answers I am searching for. You remain the love of my life. 

       

   

In the Silence

In the silence I long to hear
Your voice rich and sweet in my ear
Telling me the truths that lie within.
I hear no voice
Only silence

In the silence I contemplate
The path that life has laid before me
And I long to know the direction
My feet should take
When I feel lost

In the silence I hear my heart beat
To let me know all is not ended yet
I yearn to be surrounded by music
About the sweetness
Not the pain

In the silence if I will but listen
I can find so many things
For answers to my deepest wishes
Callings from my dreams
Are being spoken

In the silence I catch my name
Whispered hope and healing
My soul is filling with the depth
Of longing for the promise
Here in silence.