Sunday, October 22, 2017
But, I did find something among my comments that I have failed to address. I hate pettiness. Hate it. So, basically I made a decision when I spotted it to let it go. I deleted it.
I’m in a different frame of mind now. I don’t feel like letting it go.
Iniquity is the WILLFUL choice to sin. And I did it. I made some very wrong decisions in my life and those decisions cost me in ways only me and Jesus will ever know.
And I found myself in a world of hurt and disappointment. Because I made wrong choices.
It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Because I messed my life up I hit bottom. Guess what I found there?
The courage to look up. I lifted my head in the center of calamity and my redemption drew nigh.
The worst pain I have ever experienced has brought me the greatest joy. The destruction of me gave me faith I never had before. And courage I didn’t know existed in me.
I won’t go into great detail but I will say this. Because of this God spoke to me, I have seen miracles in my life that have increased my faith to unbelievable levels.
Yep, I went through it. But no need to feel sorry for me. God had a purpose and a plan. What you meant to harm me He meant for my good
Think what you want. I know.
Because of what happened souls were saved. Because of what happened lives were changed. Because of what happened to me God put me in a position to use me in a mighty way. My problems didn’t take Him by surprise.
I appreciate your concern but I know it wasn’t truly concern for me at all. It was an opportunity for you to thumb your nose at me at a point in my life where I was hurting. And that’s okay. I have learned from experience you never elevate yourself by climbing up on the heartaches of others.
Here is my question for you. What have YOU done to better your life? To dig yourself out of your situation? To make life better for someone else? There is pleasure in sin for a season, but seasons change. If you are so concerned for me did you pray for me? I hope that you did.
God has blessed me beyond measure. So know without a doubt YOU are in my prayers. I’m praying for you. That God will get a hold of you and pull you out of the pit of sin. That He will fill you with the Holy Ghost and make your story and testimony one of power to reach others.
You think you know me. But thank God that person doesn’t exist anymore. All that happened because of my choices is under the blood. And I sit here tonight at peace.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
What had happened was....
I had this great revelation at God spoke to me. Oh, I have heard His voice before, loud and clear.
But what had happened was....so had my heart.
My deceitful heart.
My wicked heart.
My deceitful, wicked heart, it heard God, too. And, thinking it was noble and honorable I heard from God about something I wanted to do, only it wasn't God at all. Sounded just like Him, but it was me.
And I allowed what I thought was God to change the course of my life
Only it wasn't Him.
See, your heart can mimic the Voice of God in you. And here you will be with your great revelation that God has spoken to you and now you can and SHOULD do this great thing you had already made up in your mind to do. Only NOW GOD has also told you to do it.
Heard a story of a single mother of 6 who "heard from God" and just knew she was supposed to be a missionary to some foreign country (where someone she had met on the internet just HAPPENED to reside). She excitedly told her pastor who then told her, in no uncertain terms, she had NOT heard from GOD. His will was for her to stay here and raise her children.
I thought with clear certainty that God had given me direction, that He had outlined a course for me. Oh, others tried to tell me it wasn't so, but I wouldn't listen. How could THEY know what God had told me to do?
So, what had happened was I listened to my heart, and I was deceived. Terribly deceived. The path and the distruction that followed forever changed who I am.
I won't say it was all bad. There has been good that has come out of this season. I have learned that He loves me in spite of my iniquity. I have learned that He still speaks to me and I have learned to listen for HIS voice in my life.
Through this season I have come to trust Him more than I ever imagined. He has shown me His great love for me in ways I never thought possible. Miracles have taken place as He pulled me out of the mirey clay of my life. And they continue even now.
So when the time came again to make a life altering decision, I prayed a different prayer. I told Him I could not trust my deceitful heart, I needed a word from the man of God from HIM and I needed it now.
At service that night during the altar call the minister said he was waiting on someone. I went up and he came to me and said he had been waiting on me. That God had a word for me. And after he got my pastor he began to tell me things only my God would know. Things I asked Him to tell me, direction I needed to go.
It was God's voice that caused me to leave the familiar and head for the safety of those who love me.
Here I am. Healing and growing and full of more faith than I ever imagined.
Isaiah 6:8 is part of the blessing of God my Pastor prays over us at the close of every Sunday night service.
"Here am I, send me."
Send me, Lord to the lost and the hurting.
Send me, to the broken and the bruised.
Send me to the ones that have been cast aside.
Send me to the hopeless.
Through my life you have given me such a burden for the lost, for the backslider, for the forgotten. Help me to remember what it felt like to be so outside your will that I thought I was lost forever, that I thought I did not deserve your mercy or grace.
And send me to those with a ministry of joy that comes from being able to hear YOUR VOICE above all the other voices in our lives. Let me never forget Your great love and where it has taken me from and where it has taken me to.
Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?
Help me to always test Your voice in my life.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Life has a way of just happening.
You can be cruising along at a steady pace when suddenly you find you either need to speed up to warp speed or stop completely, usually landing with a thud.
I will be the first to say that I thought I was strong. After carrying grief on my shoulders I figured I could over come anything.
We have a tendency as fleshly creatures to get ourselves into some terrible places. We get complacent, we get forgetful, we get lazy, we get selfish, we get silly, and we get blinded by what we consider circumstances beyond our control. We place ourselves in harms way and cry when we are harmed.
I have read back over my blogs from the past and all my words of wisdom and yet it happened to me. I failed. Not God, me. I got my eyes off of God and placed them on man, off the infallible and onto the fallible. I placed myself, my family, into harm's way because I lost sight of who I was.
It was the thud that got my attention.
The long, hard fall that shook me. It was the realization that I had bound myself up, placed myself in prison and was waiting for someone else to come unlock the door that was standing wide open.
It was me that woke up in the pig pen and remembered how it was in my Father's house.
You do not wake up one day and decide to turn your back on God. It is a slow, easy stroll, sometimes, and when you finally stop to look around, you have no idea where you are.
But, He does. He has been standing, watching for your return. You are that lost coin. You are that long, lost son. You are that ONE sheep.
And, He longs for you. He longs for YOU.
Lord, I am ever so thankful today that You have never forsaken me. Help me to continue to gain ground and find my purpose again. You have never let me down, and I want to keep my eyes on you and not the storms that surround me, at times. My Hope is in YOU.
I heard this song coming home from church about a month or so ago. I almost had to pullled the car over. So thankful for the beautiful things and people in my life. https://youtu.be/_u_eGtgUxh0
Monday, January 30, 2017
So, when Joseph's brothers retuned one day and handed their father a bloody coat that was ripped and torn, no other explanation, only the coat, Jacob took that coat at face value and declared his son dead, torn to pieces by an animal.
But, Joseph was not dead. He was very much alive and on the course of fulfilling the dream he had that had angered his brothers to begin with.
What they had meant as harm for Joseph, God meant it for good.
So many times we look at people and see only a portion of their circumstances and from that portion we make up our mind the state the person is in. We decide if they are alive....or dead.
But, the only evidence we have is a bloody coat.
Riding along the other day it was His voice I heard, His voice reminding me that all isn't always what it seems.
What if the person is not dead, but merely somewhere outside of safety, hurt, bleeding, and in need?
What if the person is in a situation out of their control, but not out of His?
What if the only thing we have to go by is something someone else came up with and we just take it as truth?
In 1983, Juan Roberto Melendez-Colon was convicted of murder, mostly due to the testimony of two felons. With no real physical evidence, the jury found Melendez-Colon guilty and sent need him to death.
Out of jealousy and misunderstanding the brothers of Joesph came up with a plan to rid them of their brother. And, I am sure Jacob would have never thought about his own sons contriving such a thing against Joseph.
But, Joseph's story was far from over. He was alive and living out God's purpose for him.
And, when the day came for him to be reunited with his brothers they feared him due to his position and power, and what they had done to him.
Joseph knew God had meant it for good, for now HE would be able to save his family.
Lord, I have felt like Joseph, cast out and in the midst of trials and troubles, some of which I had no control over. I'm giving You praise today because when others looked at my life and only saw the bloody coat, You had a plan for me. Thank You for helping me never to let go of the dream You gave me, even in the worst of circumstances.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Reality is a lot different.
The reason I liked that quote so much is because it is how I longed to be, but certainly not at all what I am.
"You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares" doesn't fit in with me at all.
Problem being I care way too much.
It has never been about peer pressure with me. I really DIDN'T care if I fit in with the popular kids, and I still don't. I have always been drawn to the misfits and the weirdos. I am perfectly fine with that.
No, I don't care what the population at large thinks about me. But, I care what you think about me.
I care about how you feel, in general. If you are among the ones that are part of my life, I care deeply and passionately about how you feel. I care about your comfort. I care about your happiness. I care about the emptiness in your tummy.
I care that you are sad and I care that you feel lonely.
I care and I care and I care.......
And, then what happens? I find out that not everyone cares. And I am the one who is mistaken.
Man, I have had my share of disappointments. MORE than my share.
There are times when I wish I could be like other people and turn off my emotions, turn off that part of me that is obviously broken and just not care so much. Because caring is hard. It's painful and it is exhausting.
I see other people who are callous and tough and they make it through life just fine. They seem to have their share of people clamoring to show them how much they are cared for.
So, why can't that be me?
And, I know it never will be. I'm just who I am. Destined to always be.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
I don't really remember much about those two minutes. I only remember that I did not die and I know that next time I won't be so afraid. This was something I had to face on my own.
The thing that struck me about my dream was my overwhelming desire to get the person I was with to safety so that I could help them and attend to their wounds. But, even when we reached what I assumed was safety, which was home, there was danger. I could not protect them.
There are things in life that happen that are beyond our control. We send our kids out into the big ole world and we have to trust that they will be okay out there. We cannot enclose them in protection and keep them safe. They make choices that sometimes put them in the path of danger. And, sometimes all we can do is wait on the sidelines until the danger passes and hope that they don't drown when the waves of destruction come crashing down.
Sometimes we can save people, we can pull them out of the rising flood and drag them to safety. And, then when we look away they wade right back into the water.
Life is funny like that. We sometimes spend all of our time on the shore, sipping a cool drink in the shade and wondering why someone else chooses to swim in the riptide. I chose to sit in that seat, chose to face something that took me out of my comfort zone, and I made to the end. No one could have ridden that for me and allowed me to face what I needed to face.
I could not drag my injured love one far enough away to keep them safe from what it is they must face in my dream. Or, in reality.
I can sit there, waiting, with a nice fluffy towel to see if they emerge from the crashing waves, but it is up to them to come out. Just as in my dream, they were driving, I was merely riding along, hoping we could make it to safety so I could nurse them back to health.
And, so it is. I wait. Praying they make it back to shore.