He got me.....
He hit the proverbial nail on the head this morning.
Here I was, prepared to enjoy a wonderful sermon, gather some nuggets of wisdom to chew on later, and move on with my life.
Then, BOOM.
Hammer.....Nail......
And, I was suddenly reminded that He not only knows me, He loves me.
I have made some horrible mistakes. Really, I have. I don't deny them. I live with them every day. And, I do my best to trudge on in spite of my mistakes.
If you read back in my blog history, I am sure you will come across many of what my family lovingly call "Stupid Sheri Stories." Oh, my life is loaded with them. Most of them are hilarious. Even as they are happening I am thinking, "wait till they hear this one!"
But, there are some Stupid Sheri Stories I have only shared with the Lord. Some things that have happened to me are too much, too painful, too heartbreaking, and too much to let slip out of my lips to another person besides the one Who loves me most of all.
Recently I realized that something I thought I had long ago dealt with and buried was still there. It was festering within me, causing me pain. I was walking around my house, telling this proverbial person exactly what I thought of all that had happened when I knew it was not gone.
Everyone hurts. Everyone has pain that is below the surface of their perfect lives. Everyone. Some people become victims of that pain. They wrap it around them and use it as a jumping board for other areas of their lives that are not as they should be. Well, I'm this way because my parents divorced, or I am like this because of something that happened in childhood. And, they, as my Pastor so wisely said this morning, lock this person that caused them hurt in a prison of unforgiveness and then can never understand why they cannot move forward.
Only, this morning, I was that person with the key to the prison. And, it was time for me to open the door and let a couple of folks out.
There was an angel that came into the prison where Simon Peter laid, waiting for his execution in the morning. That angel told him to get up, put his shoes on and walk out. Those iron doors swung open and Peter walked right out the door.
Peter, who had done so many wonderful things. Peter, who preached to the multitudes on the Day of Pentecost. Peter, who was "the rock" as Jesus said. Peter, who denied the Lord. Peter who walked out on water then let fear grasp him and sank before the Lord, begging to be saved.
Peter. Imperfect Peter.
He walked out of the prison to the house of his friends who were all praying for him. And they wouldn't let him in.
But, he kept knocking.
He could have walked away in those early morning hours. But, he kept knocking.
The iron doors of the prison had just swung open, now a wooden door that kept him from his friends was closed to him.
So, he kept knocking.
God has done more for me than I could ever convey.
There was a time in my life that I was deeply afraid. I was terrified, to be exact. I had gotten myself in a horrible mess and I knew no way out, except to pray.
And, pray I did.
The miraculous things that followed that desperate prayer were nothing short of that iron prison door swinging open. He moved mountains to move me out of danger.
And, He has surely done more since. Things I know could only be Him.
So, recently after I have been praying something happened, that honestly is part of the answer to my praying, only I didn't see it that way. All I could see is those mistakes I have made and I felt defeated.
I was standing at that wooden door and I felt like there was no use for me to knock any longer. But, only for a moment. Then, I remembered the gate of iron and I knew I could do it.
But, first I had my own iron gates to open. I had to let go of the hurt of yesterday and those who had hurt me. I have no idea why I expected them to behave different than they did. I trusted them. And they hurt me. So, I have locked them away like inmates in my heart. But, they are free. It has been me that has been a prisoner.
Today. You are free. I am letting go of what you did. I know you are a slave to alcohol and the sins of the flesh. You were only serving your masters. I think you loved me as much as you were able. I can no longer carry the dead weight of you around with me. You didn't want me. I'm letting you go.
Today I am letting you go. You are free. I will no longer carry around the hurt from the terrible things that happened while I tried to love you. You belong to a different world than I could ever understand. I cannot carry you around any longer. I am not responsible for you. I know you never loved me. You only used me. And, I have to let go of the fact that you made me feel like I was nothing. Because I am not nothing.
Today, I stand knocking on the door. The door to my own future. I have accepted many things about it. But, what I know right now is I am NOT in control of my future. I am trusting You to lead the way. I won't stop knocking until the door opens.
