I don't know. That's still there in me. But, mixed in with that is a reality that weighs heavy on my heart.
I have barreled through life thinking that everyone has one common goal: to love and to be loved. I have learned the reality is far from that. It's far from that.
Five years ago today I was sitting in my parents motorhome. It was after church and we had gone by to see if anything needed to be done because someone was coming to look at it the next day.
My sister called and I answered the phone to her screaming voice saying, "My Daddy is dead!"
My world stopped spinning. A week later I stood with my mother in my parents bedroom as she calmly told me how to separate my Dad's clothes. Seeing the distress on my face she placed her hands on my cheeks and said, "We're going to be OK."
Three months later I kissed her goodbye for the last time.
When we were discussing the reason our marriage had failed, he said something that is a reality. He said when my parents died, I changed.
I changed. Forever.
Five years ago I lost my parents. And in the months and years that followed I lost so much more.
Tonight I feel the bitter reality of loneliness. I feel the sharp sting of silence. I feel the heavy weight of separation.
It's not a sadness for them. I know they are happy and I know they are whole. It's a sadness for the loss of their voices in my ears. It a sadness for the absence of their touch when I so desperately need their touch. It's a sadness for the lack of the support they gave me and the love that was mine without condition because there was no condition on their love for me.
I answered the phone five years ago and the cut of those words went straight through my heart and scarred my very soul. My spirit has walked with a limp every since.
If they were here today what would they tell me? They would tell me that I will be fine. They would tell me that love overcomes even the separation of death. They would tell me that we are a family and I am never alone.
I'm so weary, Lord. I'm so weary of it all. I need comfort from You tonight.