Saturday, December 10, 2011

Of All the Things I'm Thankful For...

Of all the things I'm thankful for
You always top my list.
Because You know me more
Than anyone ever will.
And yet, through love as Yours
It seems love can exist
As I look out on the world
With eyes you have adjusted.

Of all the things I am thankful for
I am thankful for Your grace
That sweeps inside my human heart
And cleans away the humanity.
You take my frailties
You take my strengths
You take everything I give You
And give me You in return.

Of all the things I am thankful for
I am thankful for this day.
I am thankful for the sounds
And the comfort of this place.
Until the day I meet You there
You have given me a haven here.
It's Your love and comfort that come
To make this place my home.

Of all the things I am thankful for
It's is the memories, still sweet
That wrap themselves around
The brokenness in me.
I know it's You with each reminder
That comes to me just in time.
Bringing back the things I've lost
Yet reminding me of what's mine.

Of all the things I'm thankful for
It is present in their faces
And I watch them look to You
For the future I have prayed for
Knowing You love them, too
Of all the things I am thankful for
This thing leaves me breathless.
Knowing I can NEVER thank You enough
For all You are to me.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

That 3am Phone Call

Saturday night I went with my daughter to Tifton to have supper with her best friend since forever. I was pretty tired, but it was a nice time. I always love to see them and pretend I am *Marmie* to Emily, her beautiful little girl.

We got us a nice Venti coffee from Starbucks and headed back home. It was a peaceful drive and we chatted as we always do.

It was late when we made it back in and I finally managed to doze off sometime after 1:00am.

I am an extremely light sleeper. I can't help it. Believe me, I would LOVE to be one of those that falls into bed and can sleep through a hurricane. Not me.

We only have one phone in the house and it is downstairs in the kitchen. No one ever calls it except telemarketers, but we keep it on anyway.

Around 3:00am something woke me up.

I realized it was the phone ringing.

I shot up in stark terror and raced downstairs yelling, "Who is CALLING?"

By the time I made it around the corner the phone was quiet, but the caller ID was still up listing the name of our local hospital.

My husband had made it downstairs by now (he sleeps a little heavier than me) and found me in our laundry room yanking on clothes.

"What are you doing?"

"I am going to the hospital to find out why they were calling me!"

"It was probably a wrong number."

"It was NOT a wrong number. Ethan is not home!"

I cannot count the number of phone calls I have received that have thrown me into a panic. I guess that doesn't sound normal, but you have to understand that my parents had tremendous health issues. I have answered the phone so many times to the anxious voice of my mother.

And, then there was the time that we received the call about Ethan's accident.

No one ever calls you at 3:00am with good news.

I had a knee-jerk reaction based on all of the other phone calls I had received over the years.

While I was searching for clothes my husband grabbed his cell phone and called my son who promptly answered.

He was staying with a friend whose parents were out of town. He had sent me a text to let me know.

"Then, it's my Grandmother."

About that time my cellphone rang.

It was the hospital.

My Grandmother had a heart attack. She was being placed in ICU.

As I was yanking on clothes, not knowing who was hurt or sick, and I was doing the only thing I felt capable of doing at that moment.

"Jesus. Jesus. Jesus."

Over and over I called.

"Please, Lord. Jesus."

He was not startled awake by my dilemma.

He was just waiting on my call.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Many Times....

Gray and hazy,
Clear and crisp,
Sometimes they surround me,
At other times they are out of my reach.
But, Oh the many times I want to.

It may be a word,
Or an expression,
Then a longing so deep,
My very core is pressed tightly.
And, still the many times I long to.

Yet the seasons still change,
The days still end,
And begin again.
Nothing has stopped moving,
Even when so many times I need to.

And I rise,
And I breath,
And I pass through each day.
Each one taking up
Where the last left off.

I think,
I dream,
I work and plan.

And then I find myself
Holding my mouth as you did.
I don't look in the mirror
And find your face.
But Oh, the many times I want to.

You find when you suffer great loss that the world is full of sympathy. After a while you find no one wants to hear anymore. No one wants to see your hurt. No one wants to know it is still there.

So, you learn to cope with it. And you put one foot in front of the other and continue on. I can't stop and give in to the grief, no matter how many times I have wanted to.

Missing you today. And understanding you in ways I never did before. You were amazing. And I am glad you were mine.