Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Yesterday for Today

I cannot count the cost
The price that has been paid
Is higher than I can fathom.

Would I return to yesterday
If it meant I would forfeit today
I cannot say

For there was sweetness there
Amidst the pain
There was joy with sorrow.

Yet in the eyes of today
There lies more
There is hope for tomorrow.

Monday, April 28, 2014

The Games People Play

I find this age of technology interesting indeed. It amazes me that with the tap of a keyboard we can access information about just about anything or anybody we desire. For a little cash you can even buy more information.

Yet, all of this information isn't worth the server you receive it on because it does not allow you to actually experience that thing you are researching first hand, nor does it allow you to know the person you are searching for beyond the sketchy information you can gather.

The internet has been responsible for reuniting countless people and establishing relationships between family members that have longed to meet or know each other. I think that is wonderful and I am sure that so many people have had long dreamed of reunions.

Where this age of information gets difficult is many people are building relationships based on communications established through the internet and using texting as their main way to get to know the other person. While I see nothing wrong with texting, in general, I can also see where it takes away from our ability to effectively communicate face to face, or even over the phone.

And, to top that off, I know for a fact that people have based their opinion of me on what I write here and what they see on places such as facebook. While this is all well and good, this does not give you any idea of who I am or what I stand for, no matter how many cute quotes I have on my pages or how many people I list as friends.

People take this lacking information to formulate a picture in their minds of me or whoever they are watching and then carry this information out to others. It's all so silly to me, but there it is.

It's kind of like reading an article about someone in the public eye and then assuming we know that person when in reality we know nothing at all about them.

I have always tried to be careful with what I say about others mainly because I know that words once spoken cannot be returned. I have regretted speaking something about someone or something that turned out not to be truth and that has caused caution.

You can perceive anything you want about me, but that does not mean that your assumptions are correct, just the same as it would mean with me. I will be the first to admit my own imperfections. I am extremely intimate with my own failings. And, there are many.

I guess what I am trying to say here is if you want to know something about me, ask me. I have nothing to hide.

I am searching and seeking my way, praying that I will be able to move beyond the hurts and mistakes of my life. That is my focus, internal. I don't have time to become involved in all these games that seemingly adult people are playing. I just want to rebuild a life that I can be proud of, that my family can be proud of, and that those I love can be proud of.

And, I will only do that by examining my OWN heart and searching my OWN salvation. I don't have the time or the inclination to become embroiled in the drama of everyone else. I seem to unwittingly find enough for me to deal with.....hahaha

So, here is the deal. I am 47. I have been married once and I have 2 beautiful adult children from that union. Now, I am starting over. I am rebuilding my life and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am busy enough doing that. I fully believe if more people would just take responsibility for their own selves the world would be a better place. Let it start with ME, Lord. Help me to be who You would have me to be. Every day. That is the game I am interested in winning.

Friday, April 18, 2014

You Take My Breath Away

As I sometimes do, I am posting a disclaimer here. For all of you who are squeamish and don't like mush you need to cease reading post-haste. Thank you.

You know how you hear about people that get into relationships and kinda lose their minds?

I found this great quote the other day. It said, "Immature love says, "I Love You because I Need You," and Mature love says, "I Need You because I Love You."

Do you see the difference there?

I have observed a lot of life in the past couple of years. And, one of my observations has lead me to believe that I am ever so thankful that I have been sheltered from the real world all of these years. I am thankful for my ideals, and for the fact that I had parents who taught me how to be self-sufficient and moral.

I just don't get a lot of things. I really, really don't.

People have become disposable. As soon as you cease to need them that "undying love" you professed is also gone.

And, it seems that people have become so accustomed to this type of behavior that this is all they expect and they guard themselves from life and from feelings.

See, I never learned how to do this.

Because I have always believed in love. I STILL believe in love.

Lately I have had feelings of love. Beautiful feelings of love. And, that has been unexpected but not unwelcome. Neither of us are perfect and we are different as night and day.

Still.....it's there.

As strong as it is lately it has blossomed all over again. I would like to think it is because finally trust has been established, that I am who I claim to be, and my heart is true. At least, this seems to be part of the reason.

Just the simplest words and my breath catches, my heart flutters, and I feel alive.

And, I have to tell you, I need him because I love him. I can't even begin to explain.

Really, I have no intention of trying to explain. This is ours and ours alone.

It has been worth the wait......

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

At the End of the Day.....

Decisions, decisions......

I once had this supervisor who would talk....well....a lot. And, she would extoll all the reasons why things were successful because of her, and why she made this decision or that decision. One of her favorite things to day during one of these conversations was,

"At the end of the day, when I lay down, I am satisfied with the decisions I made."

Isn't that how it should be?

I would be a liar if I said I never made decisions that I regretted. Everyone has made decisions they wished they hadn't.

For instance, I regret the decision to ride my bike down the culvert when I was eight which resulted in me flying off the side and flipping with my bike before landing in full view of my older brother and sister. They still talk about it.

I could go on to list dumb decisions for the rest of the day, but I will stop here.

Let me instead tell you about some of the things that I am satisfied about at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, when I lay down, I am satisfied that I decided to pour my life into my children when they were young. My kids always came first, and they still do. The decisions I made were based on my love for them and they weren't self serving. I am glad I taught them about God and how to live a good clean life. I am glad I didn't go out and party and carry on, but that my idea of a party was being surrounded by them and any other of my "kids" that happened to be around.

At the end of the day, when I lay down, I am satisfied that I made the decision to go to college and to make a way to support myself. I am satisfied with the career I have and where I am going. I am confident that I can make it and I can do that without having to depend on anyone else.

I am satisfied that I loved my parents as much as I possibly could and that they knew that I loved them. I would never trade the days I had with them for anything.

I am satisfied that I tried to be a good wife and that I can look back and see my own failings and see the marriage without bitterness that most women seem to have. I am thankful for that time in my life and for the good memories that I have. I am also thankful for the lessons I learned and that I have an opportunity to love again.

I am thankful and satisfied that I am happy even though my life is far from perfect. I am thankful for having someone in my life that makes my heart smile and helps me to want to be all that I can.

And, I am satisfied that I can be "proud" so to speak, of the person that I am. Far from any type of perfection, I am what I am and who I claim to be. I have no motives, not looking for someone to make me happy, I only need someone to be happy with. I have learned that happiness is my choice.

And, at the end of the day, when I lay down, I am satisfied with my choice to be happy.