All I Have

For years it has been left
Just waiting
Like a tree waiting for spring
To bring forth its fruit
For years I have held it
Anticipating
A day just like today
When I could put it to use.

And I've dreamed about the moment
When I would awake from within
I have longed for all I have
To be wanted again
I have hovered under the chill
Of yesterday now spent
Waiting for the dream to begin
All I have
All I have
I give

It's no mistake that I am here
No accident or trick of fate
It is a promise of something
That I never knew before
That has fed the hope that waits within

And now today I find you near
And I see inside your heart
As you see mine
It is you after all these years
That will treasure all I have to give
And I will blossom and bloom
In the care of your love.
My heart will at last
Be safe to give it all

The Search

I have been going through many changes in my life. MANY changes. I wish I could say each new thing that has happened has left me with a smile on my face and a glow about my heart. NOPE.

There is something about change that, well, changes you. 

GASP! There is some deep thinking, right there. 

“Someone was hurt before you, wronged before you, hungry before you, frightened before you, beaten before you, humiliated before you, raped before you… yet, someone survived… You can do anything you choose to do.” –Maya Angelou

Why is it when you go through something you think you are the only person that has ever gone through something? I am talking to myself here. Recently I experienced a major change in my circumstance. And this change in my circumstance brought up questions about my own worth and my own value. 

And with this deluge of questions coming at me there were also other issues that shook the very foundation of who I am. I was punch drunk. 

As I staggered around trying to get my bearing I became disoriented. In this I looked in the wrong places for my answers because I could not find my safe harbor.
  
"We can endure much more than we think we can; all human experience testifies to that. All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of pain. Grit your teeth and let it hurt. Don't deny it, don't be overwhelmed by it. It will not last forever. One day, the pain will be gone and you will still be there." - Harold Kushner When All You've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough

I have been though many events in my life. But, for the first time I can ever remember I was truly afraid. My fear coming from the gaping hole in my chest where my heart once resided. 

When we face tremendous change we grieve the loss of what we are leaving behind. We grieve the loss of our hopes, the loss of our dreams, even the loss of our innocence. 

In the midst of this grief we also have to accept the changes and what those changes mean to our lives. I have found myself at a loss during prayer, essentially just begging God to help me over and over and over. 

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."-Anatole France

My head tells me to remember the promises God has given me, to hold on, endure, because better days are ahead. But, that gaping hole where my heart was continues to bleed, weakening my defense and increasing the struggle. 

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill  

It has seemed to me that I may not survive, at times. But, I cannot stop. I cannot give up. My daughter had a dream at the beginning of the process. She said that she dreamed I was called upon when it was all behind me to give my testimony. She said as I spoke I dropped to my knees and began to worship God for what He had done in my life. 

So, I have pressed on. 

Because I am confident in the promises God has given me. Even when I was derailed by pain,   I knew. 

"I went on the search for something real, 
Traded what I know for how I feel, 
But the ceiling and the walls collapsed,
Upon the darkness I was trapped,
And as the last of breath was drawn from me,
The light broke in and brought me to my feet."

It is that light of hope that I can see now. 

“Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.” ― Helen Keller

You made promises to me, and Oh I am longing for them. I am holding to them, depending on them, and believing in them. You have never left me, never forsaken me, never, ever let me down. Help me Lord, to keep my eyes on You where they belong and look to You for the answers I am searching for. You remain the love of my life. 

       

   

In the Silence

In the silence I long to hear
Your voice rich and sweet in my ear
Telling me the truths that lie within.
I hear no voice
Only silence

In the silence I contemplate
The path that life has laid before me
And I long to know the direction
My feet should take
When I feel lost

In the silence I hear my heart beat
To let me know all is not ended yet
I yearn to be surrounded by music
About the sweetness
Not the pain

In the silence if I will but listen
I can find so many things
For answers to my deepest wishes
Callings from my dreams
Are being spoken

In the silence I catch my name
Whispered hope and healing
My soul is filling with the depth
Of longing for the promise
Here in silence.

Tomorrow Awaits

I have lived through thousands of yesterdays,
Memories vague and obscure.
I have lived through thousands of happy moments,
And felt the bitterness of disappointments
Over and Over and Over again

I can feel those yesterdays
Pressed warmly against my back.
So close, that even if I turned my head
I could not see them.
Only feel the memories of what was.

Today I face ahead.
Looking toward tomorrow
Rich with possibilities
And promises yet fulfilled
Heat my face
And burn in my soul

How can I, in this shell of flesh
Ever be worthy of what awaits?
With the scars of yesterday
How can I still bear this hope?
When hope should be gone.

I hear the whispers of days gone by
Words soft in my ears from times left behind
And I wonder how it can be
That I find myself here
Awaiting the promises He gave
Only yesterday.
Awaiting the dawning.
Of Tomorrow.

As Tomorrow Awaits my arrival........