Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Round Trip Ticket

Have you ever been mellow?

Have you ever tried?

You know, I was not much more than a toddler when that song came out. It made no sense then and it really doesn't make much more sense now. 

And, yes I AM taking those lines out of context but those are the only lines I truly remember. The rest kinda goes like this: na na. Na nana. Na na naaaaaa na. 

Laid back. 

Low key. 

Easy going. 


The kind of person that just rolls with the punches. 

The one that doesn't let anything bother them. 

Oh. To be that person. 

I can be cool and calm in a crisis. I really feel like I do my best thinking when the adrenaline is pumping. 

But, even though I may have my poker face on and you may not know it from the tone of my voice, inside me I may be freaking out. 

I hate freaking out. 

Recently I was asked to post ten things about me that the world at large may not know. I chose to only send them to the person that made the request. 

One of those things was the time that I went a little crazy. 

Anytime I would ever say something was driving me crazy someone would say that was a short trip for me. But it was the final destination of a long journey. 

Losing my dad hurt. Losing my mom three months later was more than I could take. 

And I was shattered into a million pieces. I was unable to sleep in my bedroom for months because of claustrophobia, something I have never suffered before or since. I couldn't sleep. I cried and cried and cried. And I felt alone. In a home full of my family I was totally alone. 

I thought the despair would consume me. And it almost did. 

Since then I have been through so much more. And I have felt things I never imagined I could. 

I have been somewhere I never in my entire life imagined even existed. I have been to a place where I wondered if it was even worth going on. 

There is one particular instance that comes to my mind  that I cannot even visit mentally without feeling panicked. And desolate. 

I was sitting in a lady's home doing an assessment the other day. She told me I had a beautiful smile. And then someone else told me just seeing me smile made them want to smile. 

I realized I have come full circle. I have travelled through such despair, but I have come back around to the other side. 

Thank God for allowing me to feel the sun in my face again.