You know, when I was a young girl there was this saying that I really liked. It sounded so callous and tough and I would hear it and think to myself, "Yeah! That's how I feel!"
Reality is a lot different.
The reason I liked that quote so much is because it is how I longed to be, but certainly not at all what I am.
"You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares" doesn't fit in with me at all.
Problem being I care way too much.
It has never been about peer pressure with me. I really DIDN'T care if I fit in with the popular kids, and I still don't. I have always been drawn to the misfits and the weirdos. I am perfectly fine with that.
No, I don't care what the population at large thinks about me. But, I care what you think about me.
I care about how you feel, in general. If you are among the ones that are part of my life, I care deeply and passionately about how you feel. I care about your comfort. I care about your happiness. I care about the emptiness in your tummy.
I care that you are sad and I care that you feel lonely.
I care and I care and I care.......
And, then what happens? I find out that not everyone cares. And I am the one who is mistaken.
Man, I have had my share of disappointments. MORE than my share.
There are times when I wish I could be like other people and turn off my emotions, turn off that part of me that is obviously broken and just not care so much. Because caring is hard. It's painful and it is exhausting.
I see other people who are callous and tough and they make it through life just fine. They seem to have their share of people clamoring to show them how much they are cared for.
So, why can't that be me?
And, I know it never will be. I'm just who I am. Destined to always be.
