Domino

 I never really ever got to go anywhere that was just the two of us. In fact, up until that moment, I don't ever recall going anywhere alone with him except the time I was around 4 and wanted to go home from my grandparent's house right after they dropped me off and drove away. 

(He turned right around and drove the hour back to get me)

But, there we were. 

He put me in the back seat of my brother's Dodge Challenger and let me ride with him to get supplies for the hurricane that was bearing down on us where we lived in a duplex in the crowded neighborhood in Metarie, Louisiana in 1978. 

We never said a word to each other during the whole ride that I can recall. 

He was so much bigger that life to me. He had a presence that filled the spaces so there was really no room for words. He sat up straight in the driver's seat, radio blaring, and his very existence could be felt in every space in the vehicle. 

And, I was riding with him. Words didn't need to mess up the moment, or remind him that I was along for the ride. I was just awed to be there. 

He went in the store leaving me in the car as he got supplies. I didn't care. I didn't even ask to go in with him. I just waited until he would be back to fill the spaces emptied by his departure. 

I only truly knew him from a distance growing up. We existed in the same place, but I didn't know him. I guess that may sound sad to some but my Dad was busy. He was working. That was what he did. And, I never knew it could or even should be different. 

I knew, without a doubt, I was loved. But, there was a chasm that separated the silly baby from the strong, forthright man who was my father. 

I slept through my alarm somehow this morning. One too many snoozes. I can't even explain how I did it. I thought I counted each snooze when I told Google however many more minutes. But, when I grabbed my phone thinking it was 6am and saw it was 6:40am, I panicked. 

My whole morning was shot. 

So, tonight I decided MAYBE I needed backup. And, I set up an alarm on my cell phone for 5:50am just in case. 

I had the sound radar set. That didn't sound appealing at all. I touched the sound on the screen to choose another, and that is when I was transported back in time. 

In 2010 after the deaths of both of my parents I inherited their 2006 Jeep Liberty that they custom ordered to pull behind their motor home. It was immaculate. It only had around 24,000 miles on it. The interior was like brand new. AND....it got around 16mpg. My job had me on the road. Not a good combo.

I traded it in reluctantly for a 2010 Honda Crosstour. It was a beautiful car. My Dad would have liked it. When I picked it up after it was detailed I hooked up my cell phone and the first song I played was Domino by Van Morrison. 

Strange choice for the girl who really only listened to Christian music. But, I felt a pull.

A pull from a memory riding in the back seat of that Challenger with my Dad driving. A pull that could still hear his clear Tenor as he sang each word. The only time in my life I ever heard him sing. A pull toward the wonder I felt knowing this big, strong, smart man was my father. How protected I felt. How certain I felt that he loved me, even if he didn't know how to show it. 

My finger pressed Domino tonight, wondering how on earth it was sitting there as one of my alarm choices. And, once again I could feel that larger than life presence surround me. 

As his health failed I received the most wondrous gift. During our time shuttling back and forth to appointments here and there, I finally got to know my father. I got to hear his stories. Laugh with him, cry with him, and realize he was a man after all. That only made me love him more. 

Hey Mr. DJ
I just want to hear some rhythm and blues music
On the radio
On the radio
On the radio
Uh-uh, all right
Uh-uh, all right
Uh-uh, all right
Uh-uh
Hear the band
One more time

Keep Knocking

He got me.....

He hit the proverbial nail on the head this morning.

Here I was, prepared to enjoy a wonderful sermon, gather some nuggets of wisdom to chew on later, and move on with my life.

Then, BOOM.

Hammer.....Nail......

And, I was suddenly reminded that He not only knows me, He loves me.

I have made some horrible mistakes. Really, I have. I don't deny them. I live with them every day. And, I do my best to trudge on in spite of my mistakes.

If you read back in my blog history, I am sure you will come across many of what my family lovingly call "Stupid Sheri Stories." Oh, my life is loaded with them. Most of them are hilarious. Even as they are happening I am thinking, "wait till they hear this one!"

But, there are some Stupid Sheri Stories I have only shared with the Lord. Some things that have happened to me are too much, too painful, too heartbreaking, and too much to let slip out of my lips to another person besides the one Who loves me most of all.

Recently I realized that something I thought I had long ago dealt with and buried was still there. It was festering within me, causing me pain. I was walking around my house, telling this proverbial person exactly what I thought of all that had happened when I knew it was not gone.

Everyone hurts. Everyone has pain that is below the surface of their perfect lives. Everyone. Some people become victims of that pain. They wrap it around them and use it as a jumping board for other areas of their lives that are not as they should be. Well, I'm this way because my parents divorced, or I am like this because of something that happened in childhood. And, they, as my Pastor so wisely said this morning, lock this person that caused them hurt in a prison of unforgiveness and then can never understand why they cannot move forward.

Only, this morning, I was that person with the key to the prison. And, it was time for me to open the door and let a couple of folks out.

There was an angel that came into the prison where Simon Peter laid, waiting for his execution in the morning. That angel told him to get up, put his shoes on and walk out. Those iron doors swung open and Peter walked right out the door.

Peter, who had done so many wonderful things. Peter, who preached to the multitudes on the Day of Pentecost. Peter, who was "the rock" as Jesus said. Peter, who denied the Lord. Peter who walked out on water then let fear grasp him and sank before the Lord, begging to be saved.

Peter. Imperfect Peter.

He walked out of the prison to the house of his friends who were all praying for him. And they wouldn't let him in.

But, he kept knocking.

He could have walked away in those early morning hours. But, he kept knocking.

The iron doors of the prison had just swung open, now a wooden door that kept him from his friends was closed to him.

So, he kept knocking.

God has done more for me than I could ever convey.

There was a time in my life that I was deeply afraid. I was terrified, to be exact. I had gotten myself in a horrible mess and I knew no way out, except to pray.

And, pray I did.

The miraculous things that followed that desperate prayer were nothing short of that iron prison door swinging open. He moved mountains to move me out of danger.

And, He has surely done more since. Things I know could only be Him.

So, recently after I have been praying something happened, that honestly is part of the answer to my praying, only I didn't see it that way. All I could see is those mistakes I have made and I felt defeated.

I was standing at that wooden door and I felt like there was no use for me to knock any longer. But, only for a moment. Then, I remembered the gate of iron and I knew I could do it.

But, first I had my own iron gates to open. I had to let go of the hurt of yesterday and those who had hurt me. I have no idea why I expected them to behave different than they did. I trusted them. And they hurt me. So, I have locked them away like inmates in my heart. But, they are free. It has been me that has been a prisoner.

Today. You are free. I am letting go of what you did. I know you are a slave to alcohol and the sins of the flesh. You were only serving your masters. I think you loved me as much as you were able. I can no longer carry the dead weight of you around with me. You didn't want me.  I'm letting you go.

Today I am letting you go. You are free. I will no longer carry around the hurt from the terrible things that happened while I tried to love you. You belong to a different world than I could ever understand. I cannot carry you around any longer. I am not responsible for you. I know you never loved me. You only used me. And, I have to let go of the fact that you made me feel like I was nothing. Because I am not nothing.

Today, I stand knocking on the door. The door to my own future. I have accepted many things about it. But, what I know right now is I am NOT in control of my future. I am trusting You to lead the way. I won't stop knocking until the door opens.

Never Have I Ever

If you are reading this some time in the future, you will note by the date that we are in the throws of a very strange time for us.

Every 100 years, it seems, some major "thing" happens. That major thing happening right now is called COVID-19.

I am a healthcare worker, I am an RN. I have been for 25 years. I have seen times where we thought this was going to happen, but this is not a drill.

Everyday life as we know it has come to a halt. We are all practicing "social distancing" and buying up all of the toilet paper we can find because, you know, you may run out and can't leave the house. Or, whatever logic was used by everyone who bought it all up.

Schools are closed. Social activities have stopped. You cannot go eat at a restaurant. I can't make this up! It is happening live right now.

I could go major indepth here. Give you some Bible and maybe scare you into being "saved" at least until this is over. But, I'm not.

I want to say right now and have the future bear witness to this that "This too shall pass."

All of our current fears, all of the uncertainty, all of the sickness, the deaths, all of it, it will pass.

I'm not afraid of tomorrow. We have weathered many storms here on earth.

I listened to the news this morning. Various news snippets from various providers. One theme for them all...blame. Blame the CDC. Blame the producers of PPE. Blame the government. It was disgusting. All the finger pointing from main stream media gets ridiculous. Not once, not once did I hear any of them on any broadcast offer anything positive. And, if they have all the answers, why didn't the all powerful media do something besides the blame game.

I was raised by a newspaper man in the days when the press maybe had a little more integrity. I can remember him telling me when I went to work at the paper that I wasn't entitled to an opinion, I was only entitled to tell the facts.

haha THOSE days are gone.

Like any of us have the answers right now? Seriously. This is something none of us have experienced. You have turned this whole situation into an agenda and that is wrong. You should be helping us see life as it is. If I were your mother I would send you to your room.

Mainstream Media      You STINK.

Yours Truly,

Sheri

Who I Am

I wish I would remember more often to place my thoughts here. For a time, it was such a vital part of my life, but years have changed me in many ways, and I have allowed this to kind of slip from me.

I “accidentally” hit my blog in my bookmarks and I paused to read. And, I cried.

Wow. How much time has changed.

It is 2020. If that wasn’t amazing enough I am 53. AND a grandmother.

Several years ago I went through a horrible time. I lost my parents within 3 months of each other. To be honest, I feel like I lost myself there for a while.

My marriage suffered through that lost and before I knew it, I had allowed it to sift through my fingers like sand, tossing aside 26 years. And the circumstances had left me broken. Terribly damaged.

I made decisions at a time when I had no business deciding anything and it just got worse from there. BUT....

Here I am.

All this stuff happened. And then, something wonderful came out of it all.

ME.

For so many years I looked to others for my happiness. Finally, I’m happy with me, the ME that Jesus has made me.

I have such a rich life. So much love.

I was eating my supper tonight and my phone rang. It was my niece, Whitney’s number. I answered and said I was glad she called because I was going to call her.

Instead of Whit, I heard this sweet voice saying Hey Aunt Sherwee!

It was my GREAT niece, Chapel. We chatted about her life. And she told me her Daddy had bought her “Pirate cereal” aka Captain Crunch. She said they were tired and they were home now.

Did I mention she is 3?

Then I heard the voice of her Dad saying “Chapel, WHO are you talking to?”

She answered, “Aunt Sherwee!” Like, Duh.

Her Mama’s voice then piped in. She said they had just got back from grocery shopping and were unloading. They left Chapel in her car seat until they were done. It seems Chap has figured out how to use Siri to call people.

Imagine that.

Of all the people she knows love her, she called her Aunt Sherwee.

That’s when it really hit me.

Jesus, You have given me everything I ever prayed for. How could You possibly love me this much? I will never deserve it, but I am grateful. All those sad, pathetic blogs when I wanted what I had always dreamed of, and You delivered me from myself right into the dreams You dreamed for me. And they are so much better than anything I could have ever hoped for. Thank you, Lord for loving me THIS MUCH!