Remember My Bonds

There is an old song called "God on the Mountain." The very first line is "Life is easy when you're up on the mountain..."

That is so true, isn't it?

It is easy to give God the praise He deserves when everything is going your way.

But then you find yourself in the valley and the song changes, things aren't as simple anymore and it is MUCH harder to keep that positive attitude in times of trouble and heartache.

I bet all of us know someone that is always living in the valley, someone who you are afraid to ask, "So, how are you?" because you REALLY don't want to know.

Doom and gloom, trouble on every side, always in a crisis....

It is hard trying to see the positive side ALL of the time, I will admit it. There are times when I get my eyes off of Him and get them on my circumstances and when I do, I feel overwhelmed, even hopeless at times.

I have had to tell myself "NO, you are not doing this!"

I have had to rebuke negative thoughts and the one that brings the doubt and the fear into my life.

And I try to monitor what I say to people. I live for the Almighty, Omnipotent, All Powerful King of Glory, and that should be apparent by my actions, my speech, my life.

What am I telling the person that is looking for answers to the emptiness of their lives if all they hear from me are my problems? Do you think that will encourage them to seek Him for their own answers?

Please understand, I believe in prayer, I believe prayer changes things. NO, I don't just believe it, I know it without a shadow of doubt in my mind. He still moves stones, He still delivers, He still heals and He still hears. There is nothing too small and nothing too large for Him.

I do believe that when I am faced with problems I need to call on His Name and I need to seek other Saints to pray with me.

But I don't need to let my situations consume me. That "whoa is me" attitude has no place in my life. And I also don't believe that I need to use my problems to draw others attention to me, the kind of "Look at me, look what I am going through" mentality has no place in my life.

I have suffered, I have hurt, and I have longed for change in my life, but if at any time I have allowed my own problems to cause someone else to say "Man, I wish she would hush already," then I am truly sorry for that. I pray that is never the case, and if it is or has been, I pray that Jesus will change me, remove that attitude from my life.

Because, believe it or not, there are many things that go on in my life that only He knows about. And although you may never specifically know what they are, you know that I am a living, breathing person, therefore I have problems.

So, here is what you do: Know that life is not always easy for me, just as I know that about you, and PRAY for me. Remember me when you seek His face, call out my name before the throne. Remember my bonds.

I was struck by the words of Paul today in Colossians 4:18 The salutation by the hand of me Paul. Remember my bonds. Grace be with you. Amen.

This is the very LAST verse in the Book of Colossians.

There are 94 other verses in that book alone. And in those verses Paul talks about thanksgiving, grace, joy and love.

But in only one verse, that very last verse does he mention it, the fact that he has a need.

A desperate need.

On four or more years during his ministry Paul was in prison, literally.

And while he was he wrote Colossians, Philemon, Ephesians, and Philippians.

While he was in bonds, he continued to work, he continued to exalt the church, continued to correct, to lead, to teach and to love.

It was during an imprisonment he wrote: "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

While in bondage he continued steadfast in the work of the Lord. And instead of Epistles that paint a picture of how unfair and unjust life had been to Paul, we are painted a beautiful masterpiece of faith in the face of impossible circumstances.

That is the testimony I want to leave behind.

Not how bad my problems were, but how good my God was to me.

Are my problems gone? No.

Remember my bonds when you pray, as I will yours.

BUT....my bonds are NOT what I want you to remember about me....not what I want to fill up the pages of my life story.

Yes, they are there, but I want my life to tell the story of what I did in spite of the circumstances I may have found myself in. I don't want the problems of my life to be the plot...I want them to be a side note.

Let that be the closing line, not the opening one....

Oh, by the way....remember my bonds.

Amen.

Thou Art There

Psalm 139:5-6 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

One year ago today I prepared to go to work. I was tired, weary to my bones, after weeks of preparation culminated in 3 weeks of celebrating the ministry of my Pastor, my brother, and my friend, along with his beautiful bride, the sister of my heart. 

It was such a wonderful time. Everything went according to God’s plan. Even 2 of the keynote ministers having the wrong dates for the services. Bro. Larry Booker and Bro. Wade Bass both arrived a week earlier than were planned but this gave our Pastor time to spend with them he would not have had. 

Sunday night ended in a wonderful meal for our church family as we celebrated thanksgiving together. 

The next morning I dressed and headed to the church where I had an office. Only I never made it. 

Around 10 minutes into my journey I was hit head on by a kid headed to school. He was on his cellphone and didn’t see the cars stopped in front of him until it was too late. 

Beginning a few weeks before this I had felt the tug of the Holy Ghost telling me something was coming. 

So, as I laid across the front seats after the impact, I knew this was what He had been preparing me for. 

Psalm 139:7-12 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there:

if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

If I take the wings of the morning,

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

Even there shall thy hand lead me,

and thy right hand shall hold me.

If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me;

even the night shall be light about me.

Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee;

but the night shineth as the day:

the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

I remember vividly what happened. I remember crying out to You, asking You what was happening as I couldn’t see when the second car hit me. I remember seeing the lights begin to surround me as I knew You were there, ready to take me Home with You. I remember praying to You telling You I was ready to go, but if I could be there to see my babies grow up, I would like to. I remember as You lifted me to the top of the vehicle, I remember the glass crunching under my feet as I saw myself laying in the car and saw the truck that hit me head on. 

I remember the woman who opened my door and found my phone for me. I remember telling her to call my son and my brother and to tell them I didn’t think I would make it. 

I remember the paramedic and the other emergency personnel coming to my door. I remember telling them what I thought was wrong and that my seatbelt was still fastened but I couldn’t reach it because my arm was broken. 

I remember screaming out in pain as they pulled me out on the back board. I remember looking down and seeing the front of my dress torn out as they took me to the ambulance. 

I remember fighting to stay conscious as I determined if I was going to die I was going to die praying and speaking in tongues. I remember telling the paramedic I was having trouble breathing. 

I remember seeing the face of my son as they pulled me out of the ambulance, seeing the concern on his face. I remember meeting Dr. Timmer as he told me he would take care of me. 

And, I remember my son telling me everything was going to be alright. And, I believed him. 

That’s all I remember. 

As they took me to surgery they found my stomach muscles ruptured, my bowels severed and spilling out into my peritoneal cavity. They found my right leg broken in multiple places, my right ankle broken, my right forearm broken, my left ribs fractured, my left foot crushed. 

They lost me twice during the surgery and gave me 16 units of blood that day which is equivalent to the amount of blood in your body. 

They fought for me. 

Psalm 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:

marvellous are thy works;

and that my soul knoweth right well.

I know very well. 

I remember and I know exactly what He did for me and the lengths He went to to keep me here. 

Psalm 139:17-18 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God!

how great is the sum of them!

If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand:

when I awake, I am still with thee.

Three days later my eyes came open in ICU and saw my family surrounding me. I thought it was the same day and I was astonished to see my daughter standing there. I knew when I opened my eyes and saw all those I love and who love me He was going to honor my prayer. I would see my babies grow to men. 

Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart:

try me, and know my thoughts:

And see if there be any wicked way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

And as I sit here today, remembering again His mercy, His graciousness, His abundant love for me, I do so with a prayer in my heart and on my lips. 

Search my heart, look into my thoughts. I can’t fail You, for to whom much is given, much is required. (Luke 12:48)

I want my story to be Your story. I want my presence to be overshadowed by Yours. 

One year ago today You filled me with life. You sustained me. Let my life be lived in praise to You. My Jesus. 

Storm Damage

My sister and her family went through Hurricaine Rita.  Thankfully, they evacuated because there was extensive damage to their home and the area. Even though they are 25 miles from the gulf, their grass and shrubs were all dead, their house covered with a salty film. The house next to them lost its roof and it bounced off their house. But, the most interesting thing was what happened to the foundation. During that storm their entire house was shifted on its piers causing damage inside the home as well. 

I recently came back from a week of training. During that, we were asked to draw a picture of our lives. There was a long period there where there were no real "events." I was living, going through everyday life, raising my kids. Nothing out of the ordinary. 

Then, the picture changed. I went through a storm that damaged me inside and out. Just like those buildings that withstand a Hurricaine I did not come through it the same as I went into it. There is a Pre and a Post storm line in my life. 

We had to explain our pictures because the principle behind the exercise was we can't presume about someone from just viewing the outside. My picture started out with stick figures of my parents and my siblings and me and ended with me. 

I have always been surrounded by family. Always knew there was someone I could run to. I have found during my storm that there are those people in our lives that are right there for us to love and support us, until our personal storm hits. It's almost like they can't bear to view the damage. 

As you struggle to repair you're  looking for someone to replace the broken and destroyed parts and strengthen what is left. 

Sometimes you get back to the condition you were in before. Sometimes you are even better than before. 

But, most of the time, the damage is still noticeable. Especially to those who know you. They can see the sparkle is gone from your eyes, that you don't smile as much or laugh enough. 

They can see the difference in your walk, that you don't hold your head up as high or have the same bounce in your step. 

Rain comes to everyone. And some rain causes growth and advancement. Some causes complete destruction and you have to rebuild from the ground up. I am in-between.  

Even though they were able to repair my sister's house and place it back more securely on the piers the house will never be the same. The back wall shifted out and although the foundation is secure the wall will always tilt outward. 

And in my own life, I will never be the same. Although I am still standing there is a difference in me. I have finally reached a place where I can no longer feel the constant rain and winds, where I can assess the demage and begin to repair it. And, I have moved into a place where I can keep myself safe from further damage from those who always come to the scene of the disaster. 

So, here I am...survivor. I have withstood winds and rains and floods. I have survived the very foundation that I stood on shifting. I have survived the loss of my identity and some people that I loved. 

But, most importantly, I'm still standing. And, stronger than I have been in quite some time. For that I am thankful. 

This Ones for You

I have dreamed a thousand dreams and hoped a million hopes. I have spent an eternity with my hands clinched in anticipation of that moment when I know, I just know. 

And, I have held to that promise, to that certainty that someday I WOULD know. 

Look at me. 

Staring back at me in the mirror is no longer a young girl with eyes full of tomorrow, but a woman who had seen tomorrow come. And go. 

And there is age in her face and sadness lurking in her eyes. 

If you could look beyond the outward to the inward you would see.....possibility. You would see a heart glowing with overwhelming desire to....live. 

And, live she shall. She will overcome this present darkness. She will stand in the sunlight again, surrounded by the sweetness of all she has searched for. She will finally know. Finally realize. And finally dream in color again. 

Musings of a Middle-Aged Orphan on Mother’s Day

Many, many, MANY moons ago I was born the youngest child of three. I don't know if there is a typical family, but we were pretty normal. 

My Dad worked in newspapers. My Mom stayed home until I started school. She worked in a cafeteria when I started first grade so she would be home when we were. When I started second grade I was too shy to tell them my Mom was picking me up and they stuck me on the bus along with my aggravated older sister who tried to get me off the bus, but I was too scared. When we got home that day my Mom made the announcement that since we could ride the bus, she was going to work. 

My Mom was a very smart woman. She excelled at every job she had. When we moved to Southwest Louisiana she got a job taking payments in the water department of the city we lived in. It wasn't long before she was the purchasing agent for the city. 

I want to tell you about my Mom, for a moment. My Mom was private. She wasn't a recluse, but she was close. I never remember her going out with her girlfriends, or yacking on the phone. When my Mom was hurting she dealt with her own pain. So many things she carried we never, ever knew about. 

My Mom was very funny. And, her humor is one of the things I'm glad she passed down to me. She was not the type to get into your business but when she did it was warranted and you definitely paid attention. 

She taught me what it meant to be a woman. Just by example I learned how to carry myself, in all situations. I learned the importance of dignity and grace. I learned about how to handle people and the importance of family. 

And, I learned about the love of a mother. I learned that when you accept this role you are no longer out to serve yourself. You have a greater calling. Oh, neither of my parents coddled us. We learned early on that if we made a mess of our lives we needed to be prepared to clean it up. The consequences were our own. 

But, they taught us about working hard and not expecting anyone to pay us just to exist. 

I was walking with my cousin the other day and she said something that caused me to look sideways at her. As soon as I did it I told her that was a Peggy look. More and more my mother takes over my actions, my mannerisms. I know it's partially genetics and partially not wanting to let go. 

I miss her every day. She was my very best friend. She loved me without condition, but she also pushed me to always rise above. I miss her touch, her voice, her laughter, her smell. Even at my age, I want my Mama. 

Knowing that I had her for 42 years and she only had hers for 16, makes my breath catch. The missing of her own mother was so powerful and caused such a wound that I didn't even know what happened until I was older. She didn't talk about it. Only tidbits on occasion. As the years passed she shared more and more but I didn't get the stories from her that I did from my Dad. It's almost like the pain made it too great. 

But, I talk of mine often. It seems like just yesterday I kissed her goodbye. I will never be too old to remember. Never be too old to want to lay my head in her lap one more time. 

Missing her greatly. Today and always. 

Breaking Generational Curses

Joshua 24:15 And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

Many years ago when my children were small we bought a home. It was a little place but I loved it because it represented permanence and stability. My husband and I had both grown up as “newspaper brats” and as such we moved frequently. We decided that was not the life we wanted for our family. We wanted a home base. 

My kids went to public school and were constantly having fund raisers. It was one of these fund raisers that I found a door knocker for our new home. 

Neither my husband or I were truly raised in church. We went sporadically while I was growing up and I am pretty sure he only went while staying with his grandparents. We went through some rough patches early on and it was during one of those rough patches we decided to change our direction and turn to God. 

We had no idea we had been worshipping the “gods of the Amorites.” We were caught up in worldly things, fleshly things. 

I think it’s interesting to note that Joshua, coming to the end of his life, noted that their fathers worshipped other gods “on the other side of the flood.” But once they came through that “Red Sea” experience and walked into the salvation from the their Egyptian captors, they left those “other gods” behind. 

While we were very young with a baby girl, we drove over an hour to attend the church my brother was attending in Westlake, Louisiana. It was there we received the revelation of Who God is and once we reached the other side of the flood through Baptism in Jesus’ Name and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost we committed to serving Him and raising our family to know Him. 

We strayed away for a time but once again we found ourselves at an altar making a commitment to Jesus and to our family. 

It was after this time I bought that door knocker. At that time I was very unhandy and I asked my husband to please hang it on the door. I wanted everyone who crossed that threshold to know, without a doubt, what and Who we stood for. 

He never hung it. I asked but there was always an excuse and he never found the time to do it. I repeated the request over and over until one day, years later in the midst of our broken family, I threw it away. 

Because, you see, it was not his declaration. 

As for him, he really didn’t want to serve the Lord. And he did not want that statement on the threshold speaking for him. 

Simply because he did not want to let go of the gods of his fathers. 

Even when it cost him everything, his family, relationship with his son, his health, he made a choice. 

Like those Israelites leaving Egypt, he was clinging to those things on the other side of that flood of grace that destroyed the enemies of his heart. 

When I talk to him he never fails to mention his father who has somehow become god-like in his life. That has become the standard he has set his goal of reaching. 

And he will reach it. 

It breaks my heart. 

Today is the day I realized just why he never wanted that door knocker on our home. He didn’t want that declaration to identify his family as serving God. And as he brought things in and came home surrounded in things he should have stayed clear of, he didn’t have to walk past that statement and be reminded of the lie his life was making it. 

Because of that choice, his own silent statement that I never heard with my heart, he has grandbabies he will never see. And, that is his choice, not his son’s. As for him, he wrapped the curses that had been applied to his family, a family that lost all but one member related to the iniquities of the flesh, around his shoulders like a banner, declaring to the world that he is supposedly his own man. 

But, through this he raised a son who has determined in his heart to leave behind the gods of his father. His babies go to sleep every night hearing their Daddy pray over them. 

He will be there as the Lord allows to see his own grandchildren live for God. 

And, although there is no door knocker on their door, there is a peace that only comes from the Presence of God, that fills their space. His beautiful wife serves with him and has confidence in who he is. 

I am thankful that my son and his house serve the Lord. I am thankful that curses that have plagued the men of a family for generations are gone. And, they are broken from the determination that the Lord WILL BE SERVED in that home. That is what it takes. 

The determination to live a life pleasing to God. Not your flesh.  Not this world or the gods of this world. Not caring one bit what anyone else thinks. And not wanting your children to be like their flawed parents or family members, but wanting them to grow in God. 

Write it on the doorposts of your heart so that whatever tries to come in, whatever your flesh tries to invite in, it will know where you stand. 

As for ME………