The Treasures of Darkness

Many years ago my Pastor made reference to placing scripture throughout your home. I took that to heart.

Some time later as I was facing a fierce trial, God gave me a scripture to help me through it. I got out a pack of index cards and proceeded to write that scripture over and over and over.

It has been interesting to see the different places those little index cards have shown up as the years have gone by. I put one inside my medicine cabinet and it is still there as a reminder of His faithfulness to me.

I don't know if anyone besides me has ever been through a dark time in their lives. For a time I felt like I was locked away in the darkest prison, praying for release. And, as for myself, it is so hard when you are surrounded by darkness to be able to remember what the light looks like. Darkness can be so dense and impenetrable. Your situation could be small in reality, but if you are facing that small situation while surrounded by darkness it becomes larger and larger in your mind.

In my case, the situation was not small, nor was it anything that would resolve quickly. It seemed to me that I was in darkness the size of a football field with no way to find the escape.

Isaiah 45:3 I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name.

It has been some time since I have faced that particular trial. And as I am still living and breathing and putting thoughts together, you can believe I have faces trials since. This is what I have learned through this scripture, even in the darkest trials there are treasures for me. Treasures.

During some of my trials I have drawn closer to Him, closer to my Pastor and Pastor's wife, and closer to my family. I have learned things about myself and about strength I didn't even know I had during those dark times. I have learned how to overcome, how to stand for what I believe in, and how to continue to walk, even when it is so dark I cannot see my feet.

I have also found there in the darkness secret places within myself, within the scripture and within my walk with God that are full of hoards. These hoards have made my life richer and fuller because I have been able to use them to grow, to increase.

Most importantly, I am reminded as I hold the treasures that He still knows me. It is His voice that calls to me, leading me out of the dark places and surrounding me with the light of His love. I have been amazed of late when I can actually catch sight of the treasure that awaits me as I come out of the darkness of situation and into the light of love.

He knows, He sees me right where I am. God doesn't need night vision goggles to see me sitting in the middle of darkness. He sees. He knows. And, He is preparing a treasure just for me for when I finally make it out.

So, if you are facing a dark time, if you feel like you can't even see your hand in front of your face, take comfort in the fact that you will find treasure there in the darkness if you are willing to endure till the end. 

Pauses on the Journey

I am 46 years old. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by this fact. It is obvious that I am no longer in the bloom of youth, but I am really ok with that.

Years ago I left my parent's nest and flew into a married home. Six months later I found out I was expecting our first child. And, not quite 3 years later we were blessed with our son.

My whole adult life I have lived within these roles. My journey has been that of caring for my family.

And, even though my proposed destination is the same I have found that my roles have changed.

Sadly, I am no longer a wife. Although I am still a mother and always will be, my children are now grown and do not have that need for me as they once did.

Here I am, paused on my journey. Those things that have fueled my progression for so many years have changed.

I am, by nature, a caregiver. I thrive on making sure those I care for are "cared for." It is a different vehicle that drives me on the journey now. Where I once had much to do from my waking till I hit the sack each night, now many times I find myself sitting in total silence waiting until I can go to sleep. What a change.

I think there are many who find themselves in this place. I have now been thrust into a role I have never really played, that of simply....me. And, the challenge at my age is understanding who that is and what fuel I need to continue.

It is not as simple as it seems and I think I have made more mistakes trying to get going than I could have ever imagined. Difficult does not even begin to describe it. I have even wondered if somehow I had become lost and drifted off my path.

Interestingly enough, that old cliche that surrounded women in my position still exists. And, I have learned that silence is really golden as no one really wants to know your struggles. But, since I don't usually share personal items, this has been less of an issue. It does seem that suddenly it is thought the core of who I am has somehow changed.

I do still have Someone who listens, so that is all I need, right?

I have such a greater understanding of the things I have watched others experience. Things I heard them say have suddenly become vivid to me. It has caused my steps to slow as I adjust not only to who I am now, but to how others now perceive me.

But, once again I am stepping, moving toward the goal. Looking forward to another day to do all I can. And, in my pause I was introduced to a new friend...me.

The Bitter Pill

It is a desert,
A place unfamiliar
And you wander
Searching for the way
With no one to give direction
On how you should proceed

It is dry
And it is lonely
And you want
Just to feel a smile
As you realize nothing here
Is anything you even recognize

So you try
Doing all you know
Hoping it is right
When nothing is now
And you stumble through
As you try to become someone

Here you are
Flesh and blood
Imperfect
And alone
You try to find your way
You just want to find your way

It's all wrong
Every action
And correction
Unforgiveness
That's what you see
Because you should know

But you don't
You can't
It's unknown
All new to you
And you just keep on
Hoping you can find it

You find
Instead
Their faces
Pinched tight
As if they have swallowed
A bitter pill that cures nothing

Never right
Never enough
There you are
In that place you escaped
Just older now yet no wiser
Obviously since you still search.

"The Baby"

Many years ago there was a little family. In that little family there was a Daddy and a Mama, along with a son, a daughter, and a baby.

I was that baby.

In every family there are nicknames that get stuck to its members.

Mine was "the baby."

Yesterday marked 3 years since my Daddy passed away. It just doesn't seem possible.

And even though he has been gone 3 years, he still walks the corridors of my dreams on a regular basis.

He comes to give me advise, to tell me all is well. He comes to give me direction. Sometimes he comes to just visit.

Even my dreams know that the baby still needs her Daddy. It seems like I need him more today than I ever have.

What an empty void was left in my heart.

A void filled with such longing that even my dreams try to fill it.

Oh, Daddy. Boy, do I wish I could talk to you. I sure could use your advise, your wisdom. You know how much I always needed you.

Here I am. A 46 year old baby. Yet, I am "the baby" still. And I still feel the love that my Daddy and Mama had for me. When I die someday far away from now, I hope, under my name someone please put "The Baby."

Missing you both today. Hopefully, I will see you somewhere in my dreams tonight.