Pauses on the Journey

I am 46 years old. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by this fact. It is obvious that I am no longer in the bloom of youth, but I am really ok with that.

Years ago I left my parent's nest and flew into a married home. Six months later I found out I was expecting our first child. And, not quite 3 years later we were blessed with our son.

My whole adult life I have lived within these roles. My journey has been that of caring for my family.

And, even though my proposed destination is the same I have found that my roles have changed.

Sadly, I am no longer a wife. Although I am still a mother and always will be, my children are now grown and do not have that need for me as they once did.

Here I am, paused on my journey. Those things that have fueled my progression for so many years have changed.

I am, by nature, a caregiver. I thrive on making sure those I care for are "cared for." It is a different vehicle that drives me on the journey now. Where I once had much to do from my waking till I hit the sack each night, now many times I find myself sitting in total silence waiting until I can go to sleep. What a change.

I think there are many who find themselves in this place. I have now been thrust into a role I have never really played, that of simply....me. And, the challenge at my age is understanding who that is and what fuel I need to continue.

It is not as simple as it seems and I think I have made more mistakes trying to get going than I could have ever imagined. Difficult does not even begin to describe it. I have even wondered if somehow I had become lost and drifted off my path.

Interestingly enough, that old cliche that surrounded women in my position still exists. And, I have learned that silence is really golden as no one really wants to know your struggles. But, since I don't usually share personal items, this has been less of an issue. It does seem that suddenly it is thought the core of who I am has somehow changed.

I do still have Someone who listens, so that is all I need, right?

I have such a greater understanding of the things I have watched others experience. Things I heard them say have suddenly become vivid to me. It has caused my steps to slow as I adjust not only to who I am now, but to how others now perceive me.

But, once again I am stepping, moving toward the goal. Looking forward to another day to do all I can. And, in my pause I was introduced to a new friend...me.