For some reason tonight I am assaulted by a strange melancholy. I don't particularly know why. But, life has a way of surprising you. Tonight I am feeling especially surprised.
I have trouble understanding some things. I suppose there are things I am really not meant to understand. I like to understand things, though. This is always hard for me.
When I have a decision to make I pick it completely apart. I have looked at every angle and every avenue. I have prayed and sought the answer. I have planned and replanned. That is just the way I am. I like to know what's coming.
Now, I like to be spontaneous, too. I just take comfort in having an idea what is coming down the road.
With my old job I traveled quite a bit around the state of Georgia. I took many back roads and saw some beautiful sights. I also suffer from what I lovingly refer to as road rage. It never fails to happen; I am on a back road, trying to make it somewhere, and I get behind a tractor, a peanut truck, a pawpaw.....well, you get the picture.
Because I may not be familiar with the road I am on, I am reluctant to pass whatever vehicle in front of me is causing said rage. If I do pass, I floor it. Someone sweetly reminded me just this week that even when you are passing, the speed limit is still the speed limit. I appreciate that reminder (yes, that is sarcasm, although they reminded me out of love).
You just never know what lies ahead.
Many years ago, in the early years of my marriage to Bobby, he was working out of town and called to tell me he was coming home. I was pregnant with Denise, and it was late so naturally I fell asleep while waiting. Sometime in the middle of the night he called to say he had driven into the ditch and needed me to go get him.
I threw on some clothes and took off. I was traveling fairly fast trying to get to him when suddenly I smelled cow manure. That made me remember that cows usually were across the road ahead and I slowed down just as I was rounding a very sharp curve.
Sure enough, there were cows across the road that I would not have been able to see until it was too late.
I have found recently in my life that the road is full of twists and turns. As much as I long to plan how fast I will reach my destination and which roads I will take, it has proven to be impossible. I can't see down the road, I have no idea what lies ahead. Nothing on this path looks familiar. Everything feels strange.
So, I guess I will take it slow. There is a funny smell in the air and I don't want to round the next curve only to be blindsided by something waiting there. I have downshifted and will just enjoy the scenery until I get on the straight away again.
I cannot anticipate how this trip will turn out, but I have met some good people along the journey. And, I am hopeful that the rest of the way will bring me to the destination I have longed for.....happiness.