Wednesday, July 3, 2013

I Am At A Loss For Words....

There is something very strange about being 46 years old and finding yourself in a place of extreme transition. This is the time of my life when I should be on cruise control, just enjoying the scenery.

Yet, here I am. My GPS is apparently broken, I can't find any road signs, and my headlights aren't working......

Well, I may be exaggerating just a bit. But, I do feel a bit, well, lost.

And, when I say **lost** I mean, in the sense that I am a planner, yet I have no idea what the plan is right now. It is a shame I feel the need to qualify my statements, but I don't want anyone to read this and say, "Well, lookie here Margie Jean. She is headed for the fire and brimstone, for sure!"

I am not talking about the condition of my soul. I am not talking about not waiting on God, or trusting in His plan, or allowing Him to direct my steps.

I am talking about me, plain and simple. I am talking about Sheri.

I have been seeking direction and asking for guidance. I can see the signs up ahead, but they are still just a little far for me to really read. So, I am just continuing forward.

I have my house on the market and I am now facing the prospect of moving. (OK, here is where I become just me. If you are looking for a really spiritual post, might I suggest you look back and read some of my earlier stuff. This is me rambling to see my ramblings)

I suddenly feel like I guess you would feel when you are planning to leave the security of Dad and Mom's house and venture out all alone. I feel scared and excited at the same time. MANY years ago (and I cannot emphasis MANY enough) I left the comfort of living with my parents and being the *baby* to being a wife. 14 months later I became a mom. And, these have been the rolls that have identified me.

Now, for the first time I have the possibility of being Sheri. And, since I feel like in many ways, I am just meeting myself for the first time, this should be very interesting and more that likely, very entertaining. I will always be who I have always been, but now I get to add a new roll to who I am.

I have made myself learn how to do many things that I had never done before. I told someone just this week that I wanted them to teach me everything they could about cars, because I didn't want to be stupid about them anymore. I have put furniture together, and repaired vacuum cleaners, and re-grouted the bathtub, and repaired the cabinets.

It has been exciting to learn that I can do a lot more than I ever gave myself credit for. And when it comes time to make decisions, I have found my research is more thorough, my decisions are more thought out, because I have only myself to rely on. There is no one to bounce things off of at times.

I don't have the cruise set anymore. Frankly, I may never use it again. But, I am still determined to enjoy the rest of the trip. I have hopes and dreams and plans and possibilities. I have the chance to prove to myself that I can make it. And, I have become an independent person, whether this was in my plan or not.

Over the last year I have cried more than I ever thought I would, and been so very lonely. But, I know this is all part of the process. Through this process I have found a strength I never thought I had.

I don't know what tomorrow may bring to me. And, there is so much inside of me that I would never have the words to get it all out. The only thing I can think to say to even begin to explain is.....


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