The Great Cost

I am continuing my study in the Book of John. 

John 13:30 He then having received the sop went immediately out: and it was night. 

The thirteenth chapter of John begins with Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. This is such a beautiful act of love to me that we participate in at the beginning of the year along with communion. I look forward to this service and have mentioned in the past my beautiful memories of my Mama participating in this service. 

Foot washing is symbolic for humility, for our role in the Kingdom of Christ as servants, for cleansing from sin. Although Peter initially refused to allow Jesus to wash his feet, Jesus told him, “If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me.”

Simon Peter, upon hearing this requested that not only his feet be washed, but his head and hands. And, that resonates in me. We need to be cleansed from the dirt of the road we travel, but I feel Peter’s reasoning here. Cleanse me not only from where I have been, but from my thoughts, the things I have touched, any part of me that has made my spirit dirty. 

John 13:10-11 Jesus saith to him, He that is washed needeth not save to wash his feet, but is clean every whit: and ye are clean, but not all. For he knew who should betray him: therefore said he, Ye are not all clean. 

I have been betrayed in my life. Deeply betrayed. And, the common denominator in these betrayals is the person who has done the betraying is able to justify, in their own mind, the betrayal. 

There is speculation as to why Judas betrayed Jesus and it shares a common thread with every betrayal that has ever taken place. SELF

Even knowing what was about to take place, Jesus knelt before Judas and washed his feet. He washed the dirt off the feet that had carried Judas to the chief priests to arrange the betrayal. 

Jesus knelt before him KNOWING what he had done and what Judas had yet to do. 

I have thought so many times while reading these accounts as well as while participating in the act of Foot Washing just HOW it must have felt to look down upon the bent head of the King of Glory as He washed their feet. I can never imagine it without tears. And, I cannot believe they did not cry even as they truly did not understand the significance of the act. 

John 13:12 So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done?

He needed to make sure the disciples were rooted in servanthood for the time when he was no longer there with them. 

John 13:21 When Jesus had thus said, (talking about his betrayal in verses 18-20) he was troubled in spirit, and testified, and said, Verily, verily, I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me. 

I have been wounded by people that should have been protecting me and once that betrayal was revealed it was very hard to continue on as if nothing happened. But, Divinity knelt at the feet of their betrayer and washed their feet. And, believe me when I say this, washing someone’s feet is one of the most humbling experiences imaginable. 

To think of kneeling at the feet of my betrayer and placing myself in that servant role to someone who hurt me so deeply brings a heaviness to my heart. I want to believe I, too, could do it, but I honestly do not know. 

And, not only did Jesus wash his feet, He broke bread with Judas and shared wine with him, symbolic of the breaking of His body and the spilling of His blood, brought on by the betrayal. 

John 13:27 And after the sop Satan entered into him. Then said Jesus unto him, That thou doest, do quickly. 

Immediately, Judas rose and left, effectively leaving the fellowship of the disciples with his exit. (This is important)

In chapter 18, we find Jesus in the garden when Judas show up with a band of men and officers from the chief priests and Pharisees. (Verse 3)

And, soon Jesus is captured. Judas leaves that scene richer by 30 pieces of silver, but truly, he had lost everything. 

He had lost everything. 

Acts 1:15-20 speak of what happened to Judas, as does Matthew 27:5 and 27:6-10. Apparently, whatever reasoning that Judas used to justify his betrayal did not hold up for long, and between the accounts we learn that Judas hanged himself, and as his body fell to the rocks below, it ruptured, spilling his guts on the rocks. What he thought was gain was then taken back by the priests and used to buy a field for his burial that was referred to in Acts 1:19 as the field of blood. 

Let me tell you a story. 

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who was full of hope and promise. She had dreams of doing many things and using her life to serve God. And, her mother tried so very hard to protect her from the things of life that would damage the girl. 

And, the girl grew up and life happened. Hard things happened. For a moment, during a weak time, the mother let down that hedge of protection she had prayed over her family. Oh, the mother realized her mistake, but it came too late. 

The girl accepted the silver the world held out to her and forgot the beautiful fellowship she had shared with the Master. 

Instead of seeing the love that caused her mother to put a fence around her life, the girl now sees it as the cause of her “problems.” And, in a world full of victims, she soon found someone to validate her feelings. 

Now, that girl is doing all of those things that she feels she was deprived of, and so much more. So very much more. And that mother, with a heart full of both love and pain can do nothing but pray. 

But, in the distance that mother can see her beloved daughter standing on the edge of a field tying a noose. 

There was a great cost for Judas. A great cost. There is speculation as to why he did it. But, ultimately he held the price of it in his pocket. But, he had really gained nothing. 

He had lost everything. 

There is a price to sin. A steep price. I know it as I have paid it. I paid it by walking away during a time when my family needed me the most. I paid it by getting my eyes off Jesus and seeing myself as a victim of others. I made a mess that on my own I could never clean up. 

So I sat with my head in my hands as the Master washed the filth of this world off of me. And although my life is sweeter now than I could ever say, those terrible choices still want to rear up in my heart and remind me of how very much I failed. 

And, I did fail. 

But, that person that betrayed all that Jesus had done for her died on the rocks of that regret. And, now I live. 

And, I watch and pray for that little beautiful girl I protected and prayed over and hoped for. I watch as she spirals further and further away. I feel such a heavy grief but I cannot stop it. God is working in these circumstances. They have a purpose. 

And Jesus could not stop what was about to happen as He knelt at the feet of Judas knowing there was a purpose. 

Oh, I am not saying I am Jesus or she is Judas. I am saying I can feel His pain as He said “Verily, verily” in verse 21 of chapter 13. He knew what the fate of Judas would be. Judas had been chosen by Jesus. He walked with Him. Judas was there for the miracles, for the sermons, Judas was there. He knew Who Jesus was. 

And, yet he got up on feet that had just been cleansed by God in flesh and he betrayed Him. 

And so did I. 

Was it worth it? I can imagine if Judas could speak for himself what his answer would be. And, I am certain what my answer is. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

He That Abideth

This is the second entry in my continued study of the Book of John as it pertains to the Last Supper.

John 15:4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except you abide in me.

I had already planned this blog when something extraordinary happened Sunday morning. And, I felt like I needed to talk about it here for just a moment. 

I was praying before church Sunday morning when a dam of grief broke loose in me. Grief, so fluid and hot that I had no idea if I could stem it. 

Grief for a life that is lost to me now. Grief because in one moment everything I knew was effectively killed. Grief that I lost my career, my dreams for my future, my health, my means of transportation, my ability to care for myself, these and so many other things crashed around me with the crunch of metal, the shattering of bones and glass, the rupturing of muscles, the tearing of bowels. 

I don’t want anyone to think for one instance this is the beginning of some grand pity party. How on earth could I after all He has done for me?

But, although I had shed random tears during my recovery, never once had I been able to tap into the realization of how many things had changed. Not until that moment when I was praying for some other circumstances and my inability to rectify them, when the weight of it rolled through my spirit coming out in wails that had many crying with me without even knowing why. 

My life has changed but there is such a sweetness here on this side of it all. That sweetness comes from trusting Him with all of my circumstances.

John 15:1-2 I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman. Every branch in me that bearers not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it  may bring forth more fruit. 

Jesus declared here He was the “I am” for the last time. He states He is the “true” or genuine vine and His Father is the “husbandman” or vinedresser (from the Premier Study Bible). 

Pruning is done to us spiritually as we are attached to the vine. When a vinedresser begins to prune during pruning season, they look at the previous year and how the vine performed during that time. Was the yield (of fruit) as expected? Did the fruit have the protection it needed to grow? Did the branch grow enough to protect the fruit from the summer heat and provide enough cover to allow the fruit to ripen? 

Another factor before pruning begins is to make sure the vine is in its dormant season and there are no longer any green shoots that would indicate the vine is still actively photosynthisizing. 

Only the vinemaster would understand where to prune. Pruning in the wrong place, at the wrong time would damage the vine and inhibit the production of fruit. And, as they are pruned, the dead branches are disposed of either by making them compost to fertilize the existing vines or by burning the dead branches. They will never again produce fruit as they have been severed from the vine. 

Once the vine comes out of this period of dormancy, leaving behind the winter season, it is ready to, once again, produce fruit. 

John 15:4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except you abide in me.

Abide: to stay, continue, remain. To be present, be held and kept, or to live with. 

Greek=meno - to stay (in a given place, state, relation or expectancy) - abide, dwell, ENDURE, be present, remain, stand, tarry (for). The relational element of abiding is still there, but as part of the concept of “staying.”

Hebrew=yashab - same as English but includes concepts of interpersonal relationships about being in a shared space, habitations, haunt, inhabit, make to inhabit, make to keep house, lurking, marry or marrying. 

ABIDE IN ME was His request. 

Stay in ME, remain in ME, make your life with ME. 

Galatians 5:22-24 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meakness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ’s have CRUCIFIED the flesh with affections and lusts. 

Ephesians 5:8-10 For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the LORD: walk as children of light. (For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth) proving what is acceptable unto the Lord. 

These verses can lead some who do not adequately study the Word of God to think that if they are a nice person they have these fruits. But, if you look at these verses again you will see that is not the case. 

We are to crucify our flesh with its desires that are contrary to the Word of God. We are to rid ourselves of those “affections” for the things of the world. We are no more DARKNESS but we are now light and we are called to walk in that light. Because, it is these fruits that are apparent in our lives that prove “what is acceptable” to Him. 

When others look at our lives or interact with us, they should see what is “acceptable” to Him. Not, that WE accepted HIM, but that He has accepted us as indicated by our fruits. 

And, because we are producing fruits we have been through the pruning season. 

On November 13, 2023, the Lord began to prune me, cutting away the dead places in my life so that once my dormant period was passed, I could, once again, begin to bear fruit. 

And, just like with any type of grief, as the numbness of the cutting away began to disappear, the raw, hurt places were finally revealed. Those places of hurt, of loss, of “death” have brought me to a new place of life. 

The fruit produced in this season will be sweeter than before all because I stayed with Him and He stayed with me. 

He was there. He held me. He kept me. And I clung to Him knowing He had a plan in this season. He didn’t do any of this for my destruction. 

This is absolutely my favorite verse. I love this verse in the Message’s translation although I only use this translation for study. But, it is so beautiful here. 

Jeremiah 29:10-11 This is God’s Word on the subject: “As soon as Babylon’s seventy years are up and not a day before, I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out-plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”

The future “I” hope for. 

The future. 

MY future. 

How do I grow, how do I prosper during this time? 

I abide. 

When it’s hard, I abide. 

When temptation comes, I abide.

When the flesh rises up, I abide.

When I’m lonely, I abide. 

When I feel afraid, I abide. 

I stay. 

I stay with the One who holds my future. I don’t throw my future away. I abide with Him. 

Are you feeling the weight of winter on your soul? Have you been looking for answers in the world only to feel more and more dead inside? 

The I AM is calling, He is ready to prune all the dead, and useless things from your life. He is waiting to rid you of the weight that is holding you down and keeping you from growth. 

Don’t be afraid of the pruning at the hand of the Master as He is preparing your life for things you could never imagine. 

The world will tell you you are free as you are, but He will show you true freedom and true growth. 

He is waiting to ABIDE in your life. 

I will continue this series in John soon as we delve further into the Last Supper. 

Bitterness

NOTE: I edited this post correct an error, but I originally published this the week before my accident in November of 2023. 

James 3:11-12 Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter? Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.

I am, by nature, an observer. Usually I latch onto something strange and obscure during my low key “Harriet the Spy” moments. I mean, I look like I am just rolling along through the moment but in my head I am cataloging facts and asking questions like, “Why does that guy have one pants leg tucked in his sock?” Or, “Their right ear is MUCH lower than the left.”

I cannot help it. It’s just happening in here. 

I look at people when they talk. And I listen to what they say and what they don’t say. 

I have been a nurse for almost 30 years. That is hard for me to fathom. I think by nature real nurses are observers. (I say real nurses because I came from the era when we actually made rounds and checked on our own patients) We are always in assessment mode, checking for what is obvious and what may not be, what is voiced and what is left unsaid. I can see the change in expression, subtle guarding, and see a story unfold with no words spoken. 

One of my “observations” made over the years is that when a patient under my care passed away I could tell a lot about the family and the dynamics by the reaction to the death, mainly in the elderly patients. 

My first experience with losing a patient was an elderly woman one day when I was pulled to ICU. Her husband sat at her side holding and stroking her hand. Finally he said, “I guess we won’t go picking flowers again.”

My heart broke.

His children were there providing silent comfort and support, quietly loving on their father. 

Then another time the family came in and the daughter arrived after the father was gone. She went crazy. I chased her into the parking lot and we had to physically restrain her from harming herself. 

After I learned she and her father were estranged.

I noticed over time that usually the family members  that “carried on” the most were in some way disconnected from the person who died or there was some kind of drama surrounding their relationship. And I could always sense that thread of bitterness in their over the top grief. 

One of my favorite saying is “Be careful when you plant bitterness in the garden of your life.”

I think that is a Sheri Original. 

When you plant bitterness, you grow bitterness and your children eat from your bitter garden.

Do bad things happen? Sure they do! They happen to everyone. People let you down. You get hurt. You get disappointed. You suffer loss. Things don’t go your way. 

This is life. 

Naomi had lost her husband and her sons and was in a land alone with no family but her daughters in law who had no obligation to her.

In Ruth 1:20 And she said unto them, Call me not Naomi, call me Mara: for the Almighty hath dealt very bitterly with me.

Life had not turned out as she had planned. So, what did she do? She turned around and went back to where she came from. She heard that the Lord had been providing for her people back home in Bethlehemjudah and knew she needed to return to the place of provision and leave Moab which means “just short of the promised land.”

Obviously Naomi had lived her life in such a way that these “daughters” who were not of her blood wept at the thought of leaving her. And although Orpah did return to her family, Ruth refused. She was committed to Naomi. 

I don’t think that kind of commitment came from Naomi being a gossip. From Naomi running people down. From Naomi gripping and complaining. I think that commitment came from Naomi having grace. 

Ruth said she would remain with Naomi even after they were both buried. No histrionics were noted in this declaration. 

Naomi didn’t have a name change. She had a moment. And then she pulled herself up and moved on. Nowhere else do I note her being called Mara, although if anyone had a right to be bitter, Naomi did. But she did not plant bitterness. And in Ruth Chapter 4 we see the results. 

Ruth 4:17 And the women her neighbours gave it a name, saying, There is a son born to Naomi; and they called his name Obed: he is the father of Jesse, the father of David.

Right now I can put my finger on situations in life where people are standing at crossroads. I have watched them standing on the bank of their waters, holding a gallon of salt. And those wonderful refreshing waters are in danger of being polluted with their bitterness.

Here is the deal. I went through a lot of things, and most of those things were self-inflicted. I did not heed to the voice of the Shepherd. And because of that, I ended up, swallowed down into the waters of life. And life was full of heartache. Now, I could have pointed my finger in all kinds of directions, but as my pastor years ago said when you point your finger at others you have three more pointing back at you.

You cannot have a refreshing place for your family and bitterness. You cannot grow your family in love, peace and joy if you are feeding them the slop of life by your attitude.

Out of Naomi’s heartache and grief came the lineage of the King of Kings. Out of her loss and out of the decision to move to Moab to begin with, came the Prince of Peace.

And this happened because there was something in Naomi that made Ruth desire to leave behind her people and remain with her mother in law even after there was no tie remaining. Naomi may have been crushed but she got up, she changed her situation, she returned home, and then she directed Ruth into her future. 

A good future. 

A godly future. 

Her people became Ruth’s people. 

The laws Naomi followed became Ruth’s laws. 

And Naomi is not remembered as Mara. 

She is remembered by her name which means

Pleasant

Gentle

What legacy are you leaving for your heritage? Have you allowed the waters of bitterness to fill the pool of your heart, to pump through your blood and be passed down to the next generation? 

You cannot operate in bitterness and expect an outcome of joy. The two cannot dwell together. 

The choice is yours today. 

As I Have Loved You

Last night as I was preparing for bed a song popped into my head. It was a song that transported me back to a time when my very own babies were little, riding in the backseat of the car. I had a cassette tape of songs for them and they knew them all. We would sing them loudly as we traveled the roads of our lives. 

The one that visited me last night went like this:

This is my commandment that you love one another that your joy may be full.

That was basically the whole song. 

And, as it rang out in my mind last night, repeating repetitively I thought, “Hold up. This ain’t right.”

How on earth can my joy be full if I “love” as the world thinks of love?

I saw a man who was basically street preaching. A woman came up to him, who was wearing a ministerial collar, and attacked him because he was speaking against sin. She told him he had it all wrong because the whole message of the gospel was LOVE. 

And, that is correct. 

But, how can I have fullness of joy watching those that I love dying in their sins? Please, explain that to me because I am just not getting it. 

I woke up this morning with those same thoughts, that same song from long ago blasting in my brain. 

So, I went to the Word of God to put some context to this “commandment.”

And, guess what?

It’s not there. 

There is no commandment that says if we love one another our joy may be full. 

John 15:12 This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.

Huh. That is a lot different than the kiddie diddie. 

It looks like they just borrowed part of verse 11 just to make it a little more palatable to the masses. 

John 15:11 These things have I spoken unto you; that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full. 

So, basically the song was a mashup of the two verses, but in doing so, the meaning was lost. Let me explain. We will work backwards for a minute. Just hang with me. 

Verse 10 says “If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love. 

There is a lot to unpack here. I am going to come back to this in another blog so I don’t lose you, but it is important to note here that Jesus is speaking to the disciples at the Last Supper, right before the crucifixion. He has already told Judus Iscariot to do what he was going to do quickly. 

But, for the sake of time today, let’s move to verse 13. Now, we have some context. We know Jesus is about to give Himself for us. 

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

He goes further in the next verse to say who His friends are: 14 “Ye are my friends, if ye do whatever I command you.”

This is important to note here as well as it puts another spin on us accepting Him as our Savior.

16 Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it to you.

I want to go further into this in another blog, but He has called us to follow His commandments and bear fruit. This is to bring us joy. 

We are to bear fruit and remain in His love. And, this I will cover in another blog, so stay tuned. 

Now, I want to move on to what struck me, and why I know, without a doubt, we cannot love what the world loves. 

John 15:18-19 If the world hate you, ye know it hated me before it hated you. If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you. (eth at the end of hateth is the act of continuing. So the world continually hates you)

Here is where it gets down to it. 

John 15:22 If I had not come and spoken unto them, they had not had sin: but now they have no cloke for their sin.  

When we live our lives before this world that hates us, we expose their sin. They can no longer “hide” and pretend in their hearts that everything is right with them. We rip the cover off of their transgressions. 

This is why this supposed “minister” was so offended by the street preacher exposing that certain lifestyles are sinful. It was, in turn, exposing her sin. And, in this world where we are pushed to accept evil as good, we see this at an increasing rate. 

So, yes we are commanded to love one another, but as He loved us. 

And, how did He love us? He loved us enough to reveal our sin to us, to rip the cover off of our transgressions. He didn’t do this so we could continue in sin. 

As He loved us, I cannot see others in their sinful state and NOT tell them about His salvation, NOT expose their sin,but also NOT pat them on the head and tell them they are okay. 

His LOVE exposes sin so that we are no longer separated from Him. 

As He loved us, I am commanded to do the same. 

I remember telling someone years ago that if you see someone you love standing on the edge of a cliff, you don’t push them away, you draw them closer, and I stand by that. 

But, what if when you extend the love needed to save them from their sinful state, they push you away because they don’t want their sin exposed??

We remember that they are not only rejecting us, but also Christ in us. They rejected Him long before we reached. 

My joy comes from keeping His commandment, to love as He loves. 

So, if I see sin in you, I will expose it. I will pray and I will reach for you. Not out of anything but love. Because I love you like He loves you. That is where my joy is and where it will increase. When I love you as He did, I have to tell you, I have to reach for you. 

And, isn’t that love? Isn’t that why I cautioned my kids not to play in the streets, or talk to strangers? It wasn’t to stifle their will, it was to protect their life, to allow them to grow and prosper. To teach them the difference between right and wrong. To shield them from the world and the things of the world. And what joy I had from showing them the way and helping them grow!

And what joy I have from loving you as He does. I won’t lie and say you are fine because where is the love in that? Where is the joy in knowing you are headed to hell? 

Even if you hate me, I will love you enough. 

I will love you as He did. 

 

Thou Art There

Psalm 139:5-6 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

One year ago today I prepared to go to work. I was tired, weary to my bones, after weeks of preparation culminated in 3 weeks of celebrating the ministry of my Pastor, my brother, and my friend, along with his beautiful bride, the sister of my heart. 

It was such a wonderful time. Everything went according to God’s plan. Even 2 of the keynote ministers having the wrong dates for the services. Bro. Larry Booker and Bro. Wade Bass both arrived a week earlier than were planned but this gave our Pastor time to spend with them he would not have had. 

Sunday night ended in a wonderful meal for our church family as we celebrated thanksgiving together. 

The next morning I dressed and headed to the church where I had an office. Only I never made it. 

Around 10 minutes into my journey I was hit head on by a kid headed to school. He was on his cellphone and didn’t see the cars stopped in front of him until it was too late. 

Beginning a few weeks before this I had felt the tug of the Holy Ghost telling me something was coming. 

So, as I laid across the front seats after the impact, I knew this was what He had been preparing me for. 

Psalm 139:7-12 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there:

if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

If I take the wings of the morning,

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

Even there shall thy hand lead me,

and thy right hand shall hold me.

If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me;

even the night shall be light about me.

Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee;

but the night shineth as the day:

the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

I remember vividly what happened. I remember crying out to You, asking You what was happening as I couldn’t see when the second car hit me. I remember seeing the lights begin to surround me as I knew You were there, ready to take me Home with You. I remember praying to You telling You I was ready to go, but if I could be there to see my babies grow up, I would like to. I remember as You lifted me to the top of the vehicle, I remember the glass crunching under my feet as I saw myself laying in the car and saw the truck that hit me head on. 

I remember the woman who opened my door and found my phone for me. I remember telling her to call my son and my brother and to tell them I didn’t think I would make it. 

I remember the paramedic and the other emergency personnel coming to my door. I remember telling them what I thought was wrong and that my seatbelt was still fastened but I couldn’t reach it because my arm was broken. 

I remember screaming out in pain as they pulled me out on the back board. I remember looking down and seeing the front of my dress torn out as they took me to the ambulance. 

I remember fighting to stay conscious as I determined if I was going to die I was going to die praying and speaking in tongues. I remember telling the paramedic I was having trouble breathing. 

I remember seeing the face of my son as they pulled me out of the ambulance, seeing the concern on his face. I remember meeting Dr. Timmer as he told me he would take care of me. 

And, I remember my son telling me everything was going to be alright. And, I believed him. 

That’s all I remember. 

As they took me to surgery they found my stomach muscles ruptured, my bowels severed and spilling out into my peritoneal cavity. They found my right leg broken in multiple places, my right ankle broken, my right forearm broken, my left ribs fractured, my left foot crushed. 

They lost me twice during the surgery and gave me 10 units of blood that day which is equivalent to the amount of blood in your body. 

They fought for me. 

Psalm 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:

marvellous are thy works;

and that my soul knoweth right well.

I know very well. 

I remember and I know exactly what He did for me and the lengths He went to to keep me here. 

Psalm 139:17-18 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God!

how great is the sum of them!

If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand:

when I awake, I am still with thee.

Three days later my eyes came open in ICU and saw my family surrounding me. I thought it was the same day and I was astonished to see my daughter standing there. I knew when I opened my eyes and saw all those I love and who love me He was going to honor my prayer. I would see my babies grow to men. 

Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart:

try me, and know my thoughts:

And see if there be any wicked way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

And as I sit here today, remembering again His mercy, His graciousness, His abundant love for me, I do so with a prayer in my heart and on my lips. 

Search my heart, look into my thoughts. I can’t fail You, for to whom much is given, much is required. (Luke 12:48)

I want my story to be Your story. I want my presence to be overshadowed by Yours. 

One year ago today You filled me with life. You sustained me. Let my life be lived in praise to You. My Jesus.