I don't know if it is fair to say that I am haunted. But memories have become tangled in my mind like kite strings in trees on a windy day.
I am deluged with memories from 44 Christmases that have come and gone.
I feel melancholy but not particularly sad.
Just wondering about Christmases I have yet to experience.
I want to honor Him today. I want Him to know that I have not forgotten Him. I have not forgotten what He did by coming to earth, making Himself man so He could feel as man feels.
I know He did, feel, weep.
And He rejoiced.
Tonight I sit with memories swirling in my mind. Long ago days that I can recall only glimpses of along with more recent days that burn bright and vivid in my mind.
And my heart cries out with thankfulness.
You knew when I was formed that this time would come. And in every way You prepared me to feel loss yet to continue to feel love.
And I do. I still feel the love that little girl felt laying in bed anticipating what the morning would bring. I still feel the love that shimmered when my own babies woke me at 3 am to let me know it was Christmas.
I still feel the love You had for me as You made Yourself a living sacrifice for MY sins.
I can feel each year tonight, each moment in time. And more than that I can see Your love for me in every memory.
You are the love of my life. Looking back it is so plain to see, no one loves me more than You.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
The Way We Were
I heard a song the other day
Another memory
Another time
And I could see days long gone
The softness that time has provided
To yesterday
I could hear the voices of the past
Ringing in my heart
Drawing out a longing
To relive that precious time
Knowing now how precious it was
Missing the way we were.....
Another memory
Another time
And I could see days long gone
The softness that time has provided
To yesterday
I could hear the voices of the past
Ringing in my heart
Drawing out a longing
To relive that precious time
Knowing now how precious it was
Missing the way we were.....
Monday, December 13, 2010
When I Grow Up....
There are many things that I think about when remembering my mother. Mama was unique in so many ways.
My Mama tended to exaggerate, especially when it was something to do with the health of someone else.
Case in point: I was still living at home. My sister, Cyndi, had injured her shoulder.
I get a call from my Mom. "You need to go over to your sister's house and help her. She can't use her arms! She really needs some help!"
The phone beeps.
"Hold, on a second, Mama."
Click.
It's my sister on the line. I can just see her standing there with my brother-in-law, Randy holding the phone to her ear.
I explained I was talking to Mom and I would be over in just a bit to help her.
When I get there, her shoulder hurts, just one shoulder, but she has the ability to use both arms.
She called me one day to tell me a tornado was headed my way and that I needed to get into the hall closet!
I slam the phone down, grab my cat, Tiger, and jump into the closet.
The phone starts ringing.
It doesn't stop.....
I run out of the closet, certain I am going to die before I can get back in there and it's Mom on the phone.
"Are you OK?"
"Mama! I was in the closet!!"
She had a quirky sense of humor that not many saw but us.
She was strong as she needed to be yet she also had the tendency to panic.
After we moved to Douglas Mom developed the habit of panicking with every siren she heard go by. I cannot tell you the number of calls I got from her. It was always the same thing.
"Are you OK? I just heard the sirens go by."
I was working nights and she called after lunch one day in the "middle of my night."
I saw it was her on caller ID so I thought I would just call her back in a little while when I got up.
Next thing I know I hear "It's a Small World" playing over and over. Since that happened to be our door bell at the time I finally got up and made it to the door to find Mom standing there.
"You had better get up before your house burns down around you!!"
The woods at the end of the road were on fire and it had, indeed, burned into our next door neighbor's yard.
After her abrupt delivery of her message she got into her car and drove away and I stayed outside spraying the water hose on my yard to prevent burning.
She called one day as she normally did. "Are you OK?"
To which I hastily replied, "Why, did an ambulance go by?"
It hadn't. And my teasing hurt her feelings. She pretty much quit her siren calls after that, much to my deep regret.
I missed them.
I often thought of how she dealt with it in terms of her other children. She was too far away from them to sense trouble that might have involved them. She couldn't hear the sirens to alert her that all might not be right. She just had to trust that it was. She could hear it in your voice if it wasn't, no matter how well you tried to conceal it. And she WOULD get it out of you, no matter how long it took!
She never quit worrying about me, even to the end. She downplayed all that was going on with her for my benefit and questioned me about, well, me.
And I feel the depth of loss of her, and the way she loved me, unconditionally.
I hear her voice often times....
I hear it coming out of my own mouth.
"Where are you at? There was a bad wreck in town."
"Call me when you get where you are going so I will know you are safe."
"If you go there sick like you are you are going to end up with pneumonia!!"
Every time I hear a siren and I don't know where my children are I feel a clinching in my heart and I know this is how she always felt.
It doesn't turn off, no matter how old they get to be....no matter how old I get to be.
I have become so much like her in many ways, and that suits me just fine.
I have grown into some of her attributes, some of her mannerisms, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I sure do miss my Mama.....and when I grow up.....I want to be JUST like her!!
My Mama tended to exaggerate, especially when it was something to do with the health of someone else.
Case in point: I was still living at home. My sister, Cyndi, had injured her shoulder.
I get a call from my Mom. "You need to go over to your sister's house and help her. She can't use her arms! She really needs some help!"
The phone beeps.
"Hold, on a second, Mama."
Click.
It's my sister on the line. I can just see her standing there with my brother-in-law, Randy holding the phone to her ear.
I explained I was talking to Mom and I would be over in just a bit to help her.
When I get there, her shoulder hurts, just one shoulder, but she has the ability to use both arms.
She called me one day to tell me a tornado was headed my way and that I needed to get into the hall closet!
I slam the phone down, grab my cat, Tiger, and jump into the closet.
The phone starts ringing.
It doesn't stop.....
I run out of the closet, certain I am going to die before I can get back in there and it's Mom on the phone.
"Are you OK?"
"Mama! I was in the closet!!"
She had a quirky sense of humor that not many saw but us.
She was strong as she needed to be yet she also had the tendency to panic.
After we moved to Douglas Mom developed the habit of panicking with every siren she heard go by. I cannot tell you the number of calls I got from her. It was always the same thing.
"Are you OK? I just heard the sirens go by."
I was working nights and she called after lunch one day in the "middle of my night."
I saw it was her on caller ID so I thought I would just call her back in a little while when I got up.
Next thing I know I hear "It's a Small World" playing over and over. Since that happened to be our door bell at the time I finally got up and made it to the door to find Mom standing there.
"You had better get up before your house burns down around you!!"
The woods at the end of the road were on fire and it had, indeed, burned into our next door neighbor's yard.
After her abrupt delivery of her message she got into her car and drove away and I stayed outside spraying the water hose on my yard to prevent burning.
She called one day as she normally did. "Are you OK?"
To which I hastily replied, "Why, did an ambulance go by?"
It hadn't. And my teasing hurt her feelings. She pretty much quit her siren calls after that, much to my deep regret.
I missed them.
I often thought of how she dealt with it in terms of her other children. She was too far away from them to sense trouble that might have involved them. She couldn't hear the sirens to alert her that all might not be right. She just had to trust that it was. She could hear it in your voice if it wasn't, no matter how well you tried to conceal it. And she WOULD get it out of you, no matter how long it took!
She never quit worrying about me, even to the end. She downplayed all that was going on with her for my benefit and questioned me about, well, me.
And I feel the depth of loss of her, and the way she loved me, unconditionally.
I hear her voice often times....
I hear it coming out of my own mouth.
"Where are you at? There was a bad wreck in town."
"Call me when you get where you are going so I will know you are safe."
"If you go there sick like you are you are going to end up with pneumonia!!"
Every time I hear a siren and I don't know where my children are I feel a clinching in my heart and I know this is how she always felt.
It doesn't turn off, no matter how old they get to be....no matter how old I get to be.
I have become so much like her in many ways, and that suits me just fine.
I have grown into some of her attributes, some of her mannerisms, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I sure do miss my Mama.....and when I grow up.....I want to be JUST like her!!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
She Works Hard For The Money
I know, you have missed me, dear blog. I have missed you too!!
I have been busy, busy, busy. Work has kept me running here and there and everywhere. I will be so thankful to have things even out...if they ever will.
For Thanksgiving we escaped and went to Disney World for 4 fabulous days! We had so much fun! I really think this was the best trip yet.
We laughed and loved and laughed some more. And you know, I become I little kid again as soon as I see that big Welcome sign that crosses the road when you are entering in. We actually stayed inside Disney this time. I don't think I will ever stay anywhere else.
I know it has been said by some that I spoil my children. It has even said that I have "Bought" their love....which is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard.
I have loved. Plain and simple. And in that love or out of that love, I have tried to store up memories for my family, for that "someday" when I am no longer here. I want them to look back and say, "Remember when..."
We have just as many memories right here in the confines of these walls as we do at Disney or any of the other places we have visited.
And here is another secret....I work hard, I pay my bills, I'm not up to my eyeballs in debt, and if I want to enjoy my family, that is my business.
Wouldn't you agree?
I will let you in on another secret.... **whispers** I was spoiled, too.
Yup, there it is.....
Did I turn out bad? I don't think so.
And I have noticed something....my kids are pretty great. I'm proud of them, of who they are and who they strive to become.
And I think they love me, too. Not because of what I may have given them, materially, but because of what I have given them maternally.
So, we went to Disney for Thanksgiving. And we had a wonderful time laughing and loving.
And we made plans for the future. Plans for when they move on and have families of their own. Plans to return to laugh and love all over again, year after year.
Now, that made my Thanksgiving something to be thankful about. How blessed I am to have my family. How blessed I am that God has allowed us to be in the position to enjoy something like Disney, because I know how situations can change in an instant.
And I am thankful that even if I didn't have 2 dimes to rub together, I have love beyond measure.
That is something you could never put a price on.
So, I work hard for every paycheck, but, thankfully, love has come easily to my life. I have given love, and it has been returned tenfold!!
Thank You, my faithful Savior, for YOUR love for me. You HAVE given me the desires of my heart. And when that great day comes I know that it will be the love that I have for my children that they will remember most of all! I love You so much!!
I have been busy, busy, busy. Work has kept me running here and there and everywhere. I will be so thankful to have things even out...if they ever will.
For Thanksgiving we escaped and went to Disney World for 4 fabulous days! We had so much fun! I really think this was the best trip yet.
We laughed and loved and laughed some more. And you know, I become I little kid again as soon as I see that big Welcome sign that crosses the road when you are entering in. We actually stayed inside Disney this time. I don't think I will ever stay anywhere else.
I know it has been said by some that I spoil my children. It has even said that I have "Bought" their love....which is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard.
I have loved. Plain and simple. And in that love or out of that love, I have tried to store up memories for my family, for that "someday" when I am no longer here. I want them to look back and say, "Remember when..."
We have just as many memories right here in the confines of these walls as we do at Disney or any of the other places we have visited.
And here is another secret....I work hard, I pay my bills, I'm not up to my eyeballs in debt, and if I want to enjoy my family, that is my business.
Wouldn't you agree?
I will let you in on another secret.... **whispers** I was spoiled, too.
Yup, there it is.....
Did I turn out bad? I don't think so.
And I have noticed something....my kids are pretty great. I'm proud of them, of who they are and who they strive to become.
And I think they love me, too. Not because of what I may have given them, materially, but because of what I have given them maternally.
So, we went to Disney for Thanksgiving. And we had a wonderful time laughing and loving.
And we made plans for the future. Plans for when they move on and have families of their own. Plans to return to laugh and love all over again, year after year.
Now, that made my Thanksgiving something to be thankful about. How blessed I am to have my family. How blessed I am that God has allowed us to be in the position to enjoy something like Disney, because I know how situations can change in an instant.
And I am thankful that even if I didn't have 2 dimes to rub together, I have love beyond measure.
That is something you could never put a price on.
So, I work hard for every paycheck, but, thankfully, love has come easily to my life. I have given love, and it has been returned tenfold!!
Thank You, my faithful Savior, for YOUR love for me. You HAVE given me the desires of my heart. And when that great day comes I know that it will be the love that I have for my children that they will remember most of all! I love You so much!!
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