The Search

I have been going through many changes in my life. MANY changes. I wish I could say each new thing that has happened has left me with a smile on my face and a glow about my heart. NOPE.

There is something about change that, well, changes you. 

GASP! There is some deep thinking, right there. 

“Someone was hurt before you, wronged before you, hungry before you, frightened before you, beaten before you, humiliated before you, raped before you… yet, someone survived… You can do anything you choose to do.” –Maya Angelou

Why is it when you go through something you think you are the only person that has ever gone through something? I am talking to myself here. Recently I experienced a major change in my circumstance. And this change in my circumstance brought up questions about my own worth and my own value. 

And with this deluge of questions coming at me there were also other issues that shook the very foundation of who I am. I was punch drunk. 

As I staggered around trying to get my bearing I became disoriented. In this I looked in the wrong places for my answers because I could not find my safe harbor.
  
"We can endure much more than we think we can; all human experience testifies to that. All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of pain. Grit your teeth and let it hurt. Don't deny it, don't be overwhelmed by it. It will not last forever. One day, the pain will be gone and you will still be there." - Harold Kushner When All You've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough

I have been though many events in my life. But, for the first time I can ever remember I was truly afraid. My fear coming from the gaping hole in my chest where my heart once resided. 

When we face tremendous change we grieve the loss of what we are leaving behind. We grieve the loss of our hopes, the loss of our dreams, even the loss of our innocence. 

In the midst of this grief we also have to accept the changes and what those changes mean to our lives. I have found myself at a loss during prayer, essentially just begging God to help me over and over and over. 

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."-Anatole France

My head tells me to remember the promises God has given me, to hold on, endure, because better days are ahead. But, that gaping hole where my heart was continues to bleed, weakening my defense and increasing the struggle. 

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill  

It has seemed to me that I may not survive, at times. But, I cannot stop. I cannot give up. My daughter had a dream at the beginning of the process. She said that she dreamed I was called upon when it was all behind me to give my testimony. She said as I spoke I dropped to my knees and began to worship God for what He had done in my life. 

So, I have pressed on. 

Because I am confident in the promises God has given me. Even when I was derailed by pain,   I knew. 

"I went on the search for something real, 
Traded what I know for how I feel, 
But the ceiling and the walls collapsed,
Upon the darkness I was trapped,
And as the last of breath was drawn from me,
The light broke in and brought me to my feet."

It is that light of hope that I can see now. 

“Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.” ― Helen Keller

You made promises to me, and Oh I am longing for them. I am holding to them, depending on them, and believing in them. You have never left me, never forsaken me, never, ever let me down. Help me Lord, to keep my eyes on You where they belong and look to You for the answers I am searching for. You remain the love of my life.