The High Price of Peace

I am going to tell you something, something I wouldn't normally share. (And, if you know me at all, you know how true that is)

I have failed.

Well, OK. I have failed a LOT over the years, I'm human, flesh and blood, and it happens.

But, that's not what I am referring to.

I failed at something that I had dreamed of since I was a young girl and old enough to weave dreams about my future.

I failed at my marriage.

There are so many people who will sit back and say those famous words, "It's not my fault."

I am here to say it WAS my fault. I cannot take complete blame because there were two people involved. But, I take complete blame for my own actions or lack of action.

It is strange how wars are fought throughout history just to gain peace. Hundreds, thousands of lives are lost, governments are overthrown, towns destroyed.....all in the name of peace.Why are we fighting this war? Why? To gain peace, of course. That sounds like the biggest contradiction that has ever existed.

I had a lot to learn when I got married. In all honesty, I was nothing but a little girl. A little girl who had her head in the clouds and thought that love fixed everything. A little girl who found out it didn't. And, as the years passed that little girl grew into a young woman who learned how to have what she thought was "peace" in her home only to wake up and realize that peace was an illusion.

With that knowledge, this woman, older now,  decided that if there was no peace in the way she was doing things, it was probably time she did things another way. So, she put up her emotional fists and began to fight a war against what she identified as the enemy.

And fought she did.

Tonight, peace prevails. But, at a very high cost.

If I could go back in time, would I do things differently? Absolutely! There are many things I would that I could change. The whole dynamics of a family was altered forever because of the war. And, because my little girl dream included the *Happily Ever After* and because growing up, all I thought I wanted to be a wife and mother, I would never have chosen this outcome.

There were great casualties. I see it in my children. I see it in the eyes of my friends, and those that were my friends. I hear it in the voices of my family and those that I hold dear. I see it in the mirror daily. War always changes the landscape to some extent, it changes the "view."

I have been very careful with what I say and do because things happen in battle that should die on the battlefield if you are to move on and rebuild something from the rubble. And, I realize that people studying the battle from the outside will draw their own conclusions. That is the way of war.

The ones who lost the most were the ones who didn't deserve it. I told my daughter over the weekend that I have gotten over a lot of hurt. But, one thing I will never get over is being their mother. And, one thing I never want is to see them hurt. No child deserves that, no matter how old they are.

That brings me to today. I am battle weary. Yet, I am walking among the rubble of my failings and I can feel the breeze on my face, hear the birds singing, smell the blossom of spring in the air. So, I have rolled up my sleeves and begun the process of making something of the mess, as I look toward tomorrow with hope.

There are many lessons learned in battle, especially when it is carried out at great cost. You learn new strategies, new ways to negotiate for peace in the future to avoid the battles completely.

And, you also learn to see yourself and the scars you earned with forgiveness. I have buried that little girl who lived with her head in the clouds and I have come to understand the young woman who did the best she knew how to do. But, most importantly, I have embraced the woman who has left her youth behind, the woman who finally stood up straight and tall and paid the price. Oh, was it a high price. Higher than she ever imagined it could be, leaving her life with a huge deficit.

But, also giving her something she longed for.....peace. Peace with who she is. Peace with the decisions she has made. Peace with the rubble around her.

From the outside looking in, it is hard to judge the price that was paid. Unless you are able to see the "books" and see every transaction you will never fully understand. The important thing is, I do know. I know the price, because I paid it. And, so did my family.

(Please understand, I am speaking only of my own failings here. I can't speak for anyone else. This is Sheri 101. I implore you not to read your own *facts* into these musing as that would cause unnecessary hurt to those that have already been hurt. I feel the need to stress here that I am speaking of an emotional war within myself )

Once

There was a promise in my heart

There was a dream I carried

There was a hope that lived here

Once

Years have a way of passing by

Taking what you wanted to find

And leaving you empty and void

But

If you will but hold on with eyes open

New promises will replace the broken

And happiness can come to you

Again

It is not the pain of your promised past

That decides your hope for tomorrow

It is your faith that love can last

Forever

I dare to dream of days to come

When my heart will find it all

And be finally filled with a love that comes

Just

Once

Twists and Turns

For some reason tonight I am assaulted by a strange melancholy. I don't particularly know why. But, life has a way of surprising you. Tonight I am feeling especially surprised.

I have trouble understanding some things. I suppose there are things I am really not meant to understand. I like to understand things, though. This is always hard for me.

When I have a decision to make I pick it completely apart. I have looked at every angle and every avenue. I have prayed and sought the answer. I have planned and replanned. That is just the way I am. I like to know what's coming.

Now, I like to be spontaneous, too. I just take comfort in having an idea what is coming down the road.

With my old job I traveled quite a bit around the state of Georgia. I took many back roads and saw some beautiful sights. I also suffer from what I lovingly refer to as road rage. It never fails to happen; I am on a back road, trying to make it somewhere, and I get behind a tractor, a peanut truck, a pawpaw.....well, you get the picture.

Because I may not be familiar with the road I am on, I am reluctant to pass whatever vehicle in front of me is causing said rage. If I do pass, I floor it. Someone sweetly reminded me just this week that even when you are passing, the speed limit is still the speed limit. I appreciate that reminder (yes, that is sarcasm, although they reminded me out of love).

You just never know what lies ahead.

Many years ago, in the early years of my marriage to Bobby, he was working out of town and called to tell me he was coming home. I was pregnant with Denise, and it was late so naturally I fell asleep while waiting. Sometime in the middle of the night he called to say he had driven into the ditch and needed me to go get him.

I threw on some clothes and took off. I was traveling fairly fast trying to get to him when suddenly I smelled cow manure. That made me remember that cows usually were across the road ahead and I slowed down just as I was rounding a very sharp curve.

Sure enough, there were cows across the road that I would not have been able to see until it was too late.

I have found recently in my life that the road is full of twists and turns. As much as I long to plan how fast I will reach my destination and which roads I will take, it has proven to be impossible. I can't see down the road, I have no idea what lies ahead. Nothing on this path looks familiar. Everything feels strange.

So, I guess I will take it slow. There is a funny smell in the air and I don't want to round the next curve only to be blindsided by something waiting there. I have downshifted and will just enjoy the scenery until I get on the straight away again.

I cannot anticipate how this trip will turn out, but I have met some good people along the journey. And, I am hopeful that the rest of the way will bring me to the destination I have longed for.....happiness.

Night, friends.

When You Dream A Dream

The blossom of promise grows inside
Filling the edges of your heart with hope
As you look into the face of possibility
And imagine hope fulfilled
You weave in your mind with silken threads
The confidence that you will for a time
Be in possession of something truly beautiful
And, oh how you have longed for something beautiful
It's all right there close enough to touch
Yet so very far away you can only imagine
The warmth of it surrounding you
And taking away the coldness of life
Is it impossible when there is such longing?
You pray that one day you will know
As you continue to weave the silken threads
The intricate patterns incase every part of your life
Overtaking the emptiness
And increasing the faith that someday
You will no longer be a dreamer
But, a partaker of the promise of the dream.

The Treasures of Darkness

Many years ago my Pastor made reference to placing scripture throughout your home. I took that to heart.

Some time later as I was facing a fierce trial, God gave me a scripture to help me through it. I got out a pack of index cards and proceeded to write that scripture over and over and over.

It has been interesting to see the different places those little index cards have shown up as the years have gone by. I put one inside my medicine cabinet and it is still there as a reminder of His faithfulness to me.

I don't know if anyone besides me has ever been through a dark time in their lives. For a time I felt like I was locked away in the darkest prison, praying for release. And, as for myself, it is so hard when you are surrounded by darkness to be able to remember what the light looks like. Darkness can be so dense and impenetrable. Your situation could be small in reality, but if you are facing that small situation while surrounded by darkness it becomes larger and larger in your mind.

In my case, the situation was not small, nor was it anything that would resolve quickly. It seemed to me that I was in darkness the size of a football field with no way to find the escape.

Isaiah 45:3 I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name.

It has been some time since I have faced that particular trial. And as I am still living and breathing and putting thoughts together, you can believe I have faces trials since. This is what I have learned through this scripture, even in the darkest trials there are treasures for me. Treasures.

During some of my trials I have drawn closer to Him, closer to my Pastor and Pastor's wife, and closer to my family. I have learned things about myself and about strength I didn't even know I had during those dark times. I have learned how to overcome, how to stand for what I believe in, and how to continue to walk, even when it is so dark I cannot see my feet.

I have also found there in the darkness secret places within myself, within the scripture and within my walk with God that are full of hoards. These hoards have made my life richer and fuller because I have been able to use them to grow, to increase.

Most importantly, I am reminded as I hold the treasures that He still knows me. It is His voice that calls to me, leading me out of the dark places and surrounding me with the light of His love. I have been amazed of late when I can actually catch sight of the treasure that awaits me as I come out of the darkness of situation and into the light of love.

He knows, He sees me right where I am. God doesn't need night vision goggles to see me sitting in the middle of darkness. He sees. He knows. And, He is preparing a treasure just for me for when I finally make it out.

So, if you are facing a dark time, if you feel like you can't even see your hand in front of your face, take comfort in the fact that you will find treasure there in the darkness if you are willing to endure till the end. 

Pauses on the Journey

I am 46 years old. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by this fact. It is obvious that I am no longer in the bloom of youth, but I am really ok with that.

Years ago I left my parent's nest and flew into a married home. Six months later I found out I was expecting our first child. And, not quite 3 years later we were blessed with our son.

My whole adult life I have lived within these roles. My journey has been that of caring for my family.

And, even though my proposed destination is the same I have found that my roles have changed.

Sadly, I am no longer a wife. Although I am still a mother and always will be, my children are now grown and do not have that need for me as they once did.

Here I am, paused on my journey. Those things that have fueled my progression for so many years have changed.

I am, by nature, a caregiver. I thrive on making sure those I care for are "cared for." It is a different vehicle that drives me on the journey now. Where I once had much to do from my waking till I hit the sack each night, now many times I find myself sitting in total silence waiting until I can go to sleep. What a change.

I think there are many who find themselves in this place. I have now been thrust into a role I have never really played, that of simply....me. And, the challenge at my age is understanding who that is and what fuel I need to continue.

It is not as simple as it seems and I think I have made more mistakes trying to get going than I could have ever imagined. Difficult does not even begin to describe it. I have even wondered if somehow I had become lost and drifted off my path.

Interestingly enough, that old cliche that surrounded women in my position still exists. And, I have learned that silence is really golden as no one really wants to know your struggles. But, since I don't usually share personal items, this has been less of an issue. It does seem that suddenly it is thought the core of who I am has somehow changed.

I do still have Someone who listens, so that is all I need, right?

I have such a greater understanding of the things I have watched others experience. Things I heard them say have suddenly become vivid to me. It has caused my steps to slow as I adjust not only to who I am now, but to how others now perceive me.

But, once again I am stepping, moving toward the goal. Looking forward to another day to do all I can. And, in my pause I was introduced to a new friend...me.

The Bitter Pill

It is a desert,
A place unfamiliar
And you wander
Searching for the way
With no one to give direction
On how you should proceed

It is dry
And it is lonely
And you want
Just to feel a smile
As you realize nothing here
Is anything you even recognize

So you try
Doing all you know
Hoping it is right
When nothing is now
And you stumble through
As you try to become someone

Here you are
Flesh and blood
Imperfect
And alone
You try to find your way
You just want to find your way

It's all wrong
Every action
And correction
Unforgiveness
That's what you see
Because you should know

But you don't
You can't
It's unknown
All new to you
And you just keep on
Hoping you can find it

You find
Instead
Their faces
Pinched tight
As if they have swallowed
A bitter pill that cures nothing

Never right
Never enough
There you are
In that place you escaped
Just older now yet no wiser
Obviously since you still search.