Backed into a Corner

It's 2:30 am.

I'm awake.

I don't know when sleep will come again.

My name is Sheri.

Let me tell you a little about myself.

First of all, I hate whiners. BOY, do I hate whiners.

And, I hate turmoil, and, dare I say it, drama. (I have found most people who say they hate drama say that for the dramatic effect, so I REALLY hate to even say it)

I'm awake at this time of the night because I have placed myself in a situation.

Please, notice the verbiage here.

I have placed myself in a situation.

I am feeling so torn between logic and the illogic of where I am. There are these moments of clarity on either side, but when the logical side is clear it is accompanied by a burning in the pit of my stomach that I cannot rid myself of.

I have backed myself in a corner and I know of no way out. There is no knight in shining armor going to ride in on his white horse and save me. I have no one to call out to who is even listening out for me.

I dreamed a dream and like other dreams of my past when I lead with my heart, I have come to realize that some dreams are only that. Dreams.

There is this ongoing argument between logic and illogic. And, I know I recently introduced you to anxiety girl. Yeah. I hate her. Because of her I behave in ways I would NEVER normally behave. I loath people that behave like I have because of her.

But, you see, I dreamed of being happy. I dreamed of the same stupid thing I dreamed of long ago. And lying here at 2:34 am I can hear a distinct voice. It says "you're an idiot for thinking you could have your dreams."

It says, "no one will ever want you. You are fooling yourself. You fought and prayed to feel the sun on your face, but now all you feel is the press of the wall in the corner you have backed yourself in."

I have never been much for telling my business. And I am sure there are those who will read this and think one thing when it is another. But, right now I would that I had someone to tell my heart to.

I am listening for the sound of hooves as my knight approaches.

Lord, I need You tonight. You are the only one who can save me from myself.

Anxiety Girl Strikes Again. Story at 11.

I was having a conversation with my brilliant cousin about my self esteem issues. I have issues....I know this to be true. No delusions here. 

They are deep rooted and therefore I know they will be difficult to remove. The moment of my life that best sums up my issues is this....

I planned a surprise for him. We didn't have much money so I had to really plan. Cheap hotel for the night....balloons....etc. 

We went to the room to drop off our things and then to eat at a restaurant near by. I sat across from him listening to him explain to me how lucky I was to have him since no one would ever want me. 

And, at that exact moment, the guy at the booth behind me FINALLY freed the ketchup from the bottle with all his frantic pounding. As I listened to how worthless I was, ketchup landed in my hair and ran down my face as if to add the dot on the exclamation point of my pitiful existence. 

Horrible story. And, not the worst unfortunately. 

But, I digress. 

Sometimes I have a hard time realizing my own value. And in those times when my sense of worth is shaky it seems like something always happens. 

ALWAYS. 

So, my cousin and I were talking. She is well aware of my insecurities and when I verbalized how I was feeling she quickly reminded me of some things I needed to hear. 

And like a balloon when stabbed with a knife I could feel that fear seeping away. 

Why is it fear comes into out lives? Man, I wish I knew. I do know the One who can take my fears. Just like her words did, He can cause it all to deflate and peace to come back in. 

Yeah....that's me. What can I say? Haha

Be It Ever So Humble

I have been in the market for a new home. I want to be closer to my new job because all that travel everyday is for the birds, and I want to be able to have my little furry girl with me until Ethan has a place to put her.

And, I want to have the money I'm spending go toward something that will be mine one day. I have been approved for a loan and have been searching for a manageable home in the area I want to settle in for now.

I found one home that was cute as a bug in a rug. Unfortunately, when they did the inspection several things were brought to light that made me leery of having to deal with these issues in the future. So, I am withdrawing my offer.

I found another really nice home in the country that has never been occupied. I went to look at it today and it has tons of potential. Every wall in the home is white sheet rock, so I was already imagining colors in my mind as I strolled through the house.

It has a split floor plan, which I love and a huge master bedroom with a walk-in closet, a garden tub, and a shower with seats.

It just needs some TLC.

I have never been fancy smancy. I enjoy the simple things and simple life. So, this would be well within my needs. It even has a little stream and a back deck I could put my parents old patio table and my fire pit on.

I have been extremely busy lately, but I am hoping that will all slow down. I start a new job in the morning that I am excited and terrified about. Needless to say, I am hitting the hay early tonight.

I will update when I make a decision and let you guys see my humble abode. In the meantime, I will keep plucking along.

Night all!!