Put On A Happy Face

I am sitting here in the waiting room in ICU. Today has been a day. I was on my way to a meeting this morning when I got a call from the nurse saying my Mom wanted to talk to me. I could hardly understand her.

Needless to say I did a u-turn and head to Valdosta.

It has been a rough day.

My Mom looks really bad. It just breaks my heart. She has been crying off and on all day.

I have been holding it together by a string and a prayer.

I have been worried about her. I worried that when she went home she would not do what the doctor said she should do. I worried because I work and am unavailable for 9 hours a day. I worried they would need me and I would not be available.

I worry, but does that make me faithless?

I don't know, but I don't think so. But maybe I should be praying, "Lord, I believe, but help thou my unbelief."

I know I'm a child of mercy. I know that God is in control. And I trust Him. Look at all he has brought me and my family through. Does that mean that my faith is lacking because I hurt, because I look in the face of reality and finding it looking back at me?

I don't want to appear to anyone that I don't fully believe that MY God is able. I know without a doubt He is.

I am expecting it, but sometimes I feel weak, not my faith, but me....

Sometimes I get weary having to be strong. Does that make me bad?

I think it just makes me human. It is the reason I need Him. and I do, Oh So Much.

So I have learned to *suck it up.* I have learned that when I am weak, I have to paste a smile on my face and lean COMPLETELY on Him.

And it seems when I am at my weakest, others may find me disappointing, but He is never disappointed in me

When I end up a blubbering mass at His feet, He doesn't say, *Oh ye of little faith.*

He says, *I know it's hard, but I am here. I will never leave you or forsake you.*

So I have learned to suck up a LOT. I have learned that I can hold it together with a string and a prayer, and then, when the time comes, I can throw myself at His feet. And He always catches me.

Tonight I stood by the bed and held my Mom's hand, literally. She did not know I was there, so I held her still hand in mine, and I reminded her that I was there, and I was strong for her. And I pasted a smile on my face and one in my voice.

I love You tonight. You have held me up today, I could not have stood without You.