I am sitting here in the waiting room in ICU. Today has been a day. I was on my way to a meeting this morning when I got a call from the nurse saying my Mom wanted to talk to me. I could hardly understand her.
Needless to say I did a u-turn and head to Valdosta.
It has been a rough day.
My Mom looks really bad. It just breaks my heart. She has been crying off and on all day.
I have been holding it together by a string and a prayer.
I have been worried about her. I worried that when she went home she would not do what the doctor said she should do. I worried because I work and am unavailable for 9 hours a day. I worried they would need me and I would not be available.
I worry, but does that make me faithless?
I don't know, but I don't think so. But maybe I should be praying, "Lord, I believe, but help thou my unbelief."
I know I'm a child of mercy. I know that God is in control. And I trust Him. Look at all he has brought me and my family through. Does that mean that my faith is lacking because I hurt, because I look in the face of reality and finding it looking back at me?
I don't want to appear to anyone that I don't fully believe that MY God is able. I know without a doubt He is.
I am expecting it, but sometimes I feel weak, not my faith, but me....
Sometimes I get weary having to be strong. Does that make me bad?
I think it just makes me human. It is the reason I need Him. and I do, Oh So Much.
So I have learned to *suck it up.* I have learned that when I am weak, I have to paste a smile on my face and lean COMPLETELY on Him.
And it seems when I am at my weakest, others may find me disappointing, but He is never disappointed in me
When I end up a blubbering mass at His feet, He doesn't say, *Oh ye of little faith.*
He says, *I know it's hard, but I am here. I will never leave you or forsake you.*
So I have learned to suck up a LOT. I have learned that I can hold it together with a string and a prayer, and then, when the time comes, I can throw myself at His feet. And He always catches me.
Tonight I stood by the bed and held my Mom's hand, literally. She did not know I was there, so I held her still hand in mine, and I reminded her that I was there, and I was strong for her. And I pasted a smile on my face and one in my voice.
I love You tonight. You have held me up today, I could not have stood without You.