Can You Read My Mind?

Boy, I tell you...this has been a roller coaster month. I am exhausted.

So much has been happening. I have a career change on the horizon. I am waiting to see what lands where, but so far, it is looking pretty good.

I have had a terrible blow to my heart. Not the kind of blow you are thinking of. It's the kind of blow that scares me to the depths of my soul. But, I know that it will have to get better because my heart can't take it if it doesn't.

There are other things going on that are warm and wonderful and make me happy even in my hurt. Like, I think I may be getting a puppy soon to go along with some other things.

There are few things that hurt me worse than knowing my kids have been hurt. There is not much more in life that mean more to me that my babies. Here I am, having a midlife crisis, I suppose, and it has hurt one of my babies.

It is not that I have run out an purchased a sports car and have been riding around a boy-toy. Lord, no...hahaha

I have changed. I am still who I have always been. My heart is still my heart. I am still that same woman with the same love, but I have changed. And, in the midst of all the other changes in our lives of late, it has hurt my baby. That cuts me to my core.

I wish you could read my thoughts, read my mind and you would be able to understand how hard this has been for me. I have spent the past 26 years focused on my two sweethearts.

All these changes of late have made it hard to breathe, hard to remember that I am going to be OK, and I know it has been for them, too. Hard to remember that above all else we have each other and our love.

But, I know that all will be well. A very wise man reminded me lately that he knows I love him, and he won't forget. He also reminded me it is time for me to let them grow up. I am trying, but it is very, very, VERY hard.

I do wish he could read my mind and see my heart. Then he would understand and he would know, and never, ever be afraid or doubt.

Eyes Wide Open

I can see the swirl around me

I can feel the brush of fate

I can hear the whispered words

And the warnings come too late

For I knew in the beginning

What the cost would be

Yet I paid the price completely

Though the cost was great for me

I can see

My eyes are wide open

And I know the truth

My lips cannot say

I can feel

And I feel sorrow

As I see 

With eyes wide open. 

Hard to Breathe

**Advanced Warning** If you cannot stomach a pity party, please exit this blog immediately because I am about to throw a huge one. Thank you.


I want to go on record right now and say I hurt.

I'm talking about that deep down hurt that grasps your heart in a fist and squeezes until you feel bruised from the inside out.

I have had several bad days lately. I am not one to feel sorry for myself, not one to sit around and whine about the unfairness of life, not one to cry or act the fool.

In fact, I am normally a level-headed and very calm person. I have suffered a lot of hurts in my life, and none have crushed me.

Maybe battered me, maybe cracked me, maybe broken me, but never crushed me.

Today, I feel the crushing weight of sorrow, I feel loneliness like I have never felt before. And, it claims my ability to function.

I don't like it. It steals the very breath out of my lungs, this dark sadness.

For one moment the unfairness of it all crushes my spirit, making me wonder what I am doing and why I am doing it. And, I doubt my reasoning, and wonder at my own stupidity.

And cry. God, have I cried today.

I sit here on the verge of what I thought was going to be my great happiness. Do you know how long I waited for that? Do you know how long I have prayed, how long I have begged?

Today, I can't see it. I can't see it. I know where I need to look, but I can't look there. And, I feel so terribly lost. So utterly alone.

I just don't know how to carry this anymore since the weight of it has made it so hard to breathe, so hard to believe.

It's so hard to see anything anymore. I fought for the chance to live, and I have locked myself away in a prison.

I will go to bed tonight and sleep. And, tomorrow holds a promise to be better. I have prayed to know that this won't last, that I will see the promise tomorrow. I can hold on till then.

And, I will.

One shallow breath at a time.

Waiting

Misty dawn barely breaking
I'm waiting
This day is the day it all comes true
You may laugh with a scornful laugh
But, laughter fades in time
When promises are rich and full.

With my eyes gazing forward
I'm praying
And knowing it is not in vain
The pleasure of it all around me
A dream I've dreamed
Opens fully and overfills my heart.

I know the thoughts you think
I can feel them
The darkness you cast my way
Wants to press in
But, in spite of all the rage
In spite bitterness
In spite of it all
And in the face of doubt
No matter what the end
My heart will win.

Night presses in cool and silent
And I'm waiting
For tomorrow comes with promises new
Love is only in vain when denied
And the truth of it all
Is love will live in hope for all time.

I close my eyes tonight
I am dreaming
Of years and years of knowing it was mine
Of moments sweetly lived
Of love I freely give
Of yesterdays with memories of mine. 

The Rainbow's End

All of my life I have heard that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. All of my life I have longed to find the end of the rainbow.

One day, believe it or not, I saw it.

The end of the rainbow.

And where the bright colors ended was.....ground.

No pot of gold in sight.

My ex-husband used to say, "Sheri, there are people who are handed things, and there are people who have to work for everything they have. We are the ones who have to work."

Very true words.

I live a comfortable life. I am not rich, not by far, but I can afford to buy a new pair of shoes if I find a pair I like. I have groceries in my cabinets, a comfortable car that is paid for, and a pretty nice roof over my head.

And, I also have the promise of more.

There are places I have yet to see that I WILL see. Things I have yet to do that I WILL do.

My parents were pretty smart people. They taught me much about life. One of those lessons was that if you have a need YOU need to go out and work to fill that need.

They taught me not to look down, but to continually look up.

And, look up I have. I have never been afraid to roll up my sleeves and work. And, years ago when our children were small, both Bobby and I sacrificed so that we could make a good life for them. I didn't expect anyone else to pay to raise my children, they were the responsibility of their father and me.

I am where I am today because I chose to work hard, to make something of myself, to be able to support myself and not be a burden on anyone. And, I regret nothing about this choice. I do know this is not the choice for everyone, but that's ok, too. I don't look down on anyone for making a different choice. But, it does make me sad to see so much of our society sit around with their hands out, teaching their children that they are entitled to something they have in no way earned.

And, in doing so, sentencing their children and their children's children to abject poverty, to a life of barely scraping by, to being dependent on someone else for their very existence.

Everyone needs help at times, and I think help should be available. But, it should be just that, help, not how you make a living. I cannot imagine how you would not feel depressed knowing you had no part in earning your keep, how you would feel pride in yourself knowing nothing in your possession came from the sweat of your own brow.

As most know, the rainbow is a reminder of God's promise to Noah in Genesis 9:13. There is something glorious when you see a bright rainbow arch across the sky. I have never seen one that I have not thought of this story and God's promise not to again destroy the earth in such a way.

But, you know, there was more there than just God's promise. He also gave Noah guidelines to follow, things He expected.

He didn't promise something for nothing.

And, neither should we expect something for nothing.

I am always mindful of those that need a helping hand, but I in no way feel guilty for having something that I can share, for having those things that I have worked for.

We taught our children this.....

If you have a need, you need to get out and work to fill that need.

So far, so good.

At the end of the rainbow, if you ever see it, is usually ground, earth, etc.

And that ground, that earth promises to provide you with sustenance, if you are willing to work for it.

Forgiving

Many years ago during a very difficult time in my life, I sought out the help of a counselor. I only had one session with him, so naturally we didn't cover a lot of ground, but he asked me the most profound question, one that haunted me for some time.

I was 19 when I married. I know now that I was in no way prepared for marriage, but at the time I was certain I was. I will not disparage him here, or anywhere. But, I am going to lay a little background from my viewpoint. I knew, even then that there were problems. But, in my young and romantic mind I was certain love fixed everything and all the problems would magically disappear in the presence of wedded bliss.

I am sure you have concluded that was not the outcome.

I was not only young, I was also relatively sheltered and not prepared to cope with some of the issues I faced. I can look back at home movies from those early years and will look into the face of the young woman I was, the defeat etched on my countenance, and my eyes fill with tears even now.

Forgiveness came to me for him. That part was relatively easy. It was forgetting and trusting I would continue to have issues with.

And, years later when I was a grown up woman, it was the memory of that broken little girl that colored my tolerance and made the decisions I knew I had to make so much more bittersweet.

After my session with the counselor, his one question played over and over like a broken record in my mind. I just could not move past it. I think the thing that struck me so much about it was it was not directed at the one who hurt me, it was not a question about why it happened or what would cause their behavior.

The question had nothing to do with them at all.

With one simple question he had hit on something I was not even aware was happening in me.

He asked, "Why are you so angry with yourself?"

Just typing those words made my eyes fill with tears.

My answer then was a softy spoken, "I didn't realize I was."

I left that session and went home, going thought the motions of being myself with those words ringing in my heart...

Days later I was cleaning the kitchen after supper, the question still playing over and over in my mind, "Why are you so angry with yourself?" when it suddenly hit me, and I hit my knees and wept.

I was angry with myself because I wasn't enough.

I wasn't enough.

I wasn't enough to fix someone else's brokenness, and in the process of trying I became broken myself.

One of the hardest processes I have ever had to go through was forgiving that little girl. And, forgiveness usually comes easy to my heart.

But, forgiving myself, well, that is very, very difficult.

Even after that pivotal moment of clarity I still continued to carry that dead little girl on my back with me everywhere I would go, and the stench from that dead thing in my life overpowered the fragrance of possibilities because, as I said, forgiveness is the easiest part, but trusting and forgetting are so very hard.

And since I neither had the power to forgive myself or trust myself again, it hindered me. And, I am not even touching on the forgetting. She haunted me, haunted my judgement, and hindered my progress with the weight of her I carried.

One night I was able to finally bury this girl that I was and forgive her for allowing herself to be in situations that were beyond her control. With that forgiveness came clarity to my decisions.

You see, because I wasn't enough, in my young mind, I accepted what was happening to me because I felt I deserved it. I was once told I could do no better than where I was, and that was easy to accept because I had already decided I was lacking.

Through forgiving myself I could reflect that it wasn't a burden I needed to carry anymore. And when hurt came again to my life, instead of thinking it no more than I deserved, I realized that I deserved better.

It is easy to remember that the Bible emplores us to forgive one another. It is rich with verses that deal with love and forgiveness. But, it is much harder to remember that you must first forgive yourself, at times.

I found it interesting reading some studies on forgiveness that the root word in the phrase "one another" in Colossians 3:13 includes you.

"Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."

Did you know that when you have unforgiveness in your heart it is an open door to allow torment into your life? And, this includes unforgiveness toward yourself.

One of the hardest things I had to do in this process was to be completely honest with myself. Once I was able to honestly search my own heart and get to the root of the problem, forgiveness of myself and seeing myself in a whole new light became possible.

When I could forgive myself I would release myself and those that had hurt me from responsibility and finally move forward.

It may be time for you to stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes. Do you like the person staring back at you? What do you see? Self-hatred can be deeply imbedded, but once uncovered you can begin the process of moving it out of your heart.

I have thought so much about that young woman that I was. I have wept for the loss of her innocence, the disillusionment that she faced, the brokenness she went through. There are certain instances that to this day I cannot recall without tears filling my eyes and my heart filling my throat. But, I see those days differently now. And, I see myself differently, too.

Why are YOU so angry with yourself?

That is a good question.

If I could talk to my younger self there are certain things I would say.

I would say it wasn't your fault. You can't fix another person's brokenness, only God has that power. And, I would say the love you had to give, the hope you carried in your heart, they deserved so much more and it wasn't because they weren't powerful things that they didn't get more. It wasn't you as the giver of love that was at fault.

And, I would say one day you will have the chance again to love beyond measure. Remember this time, but do not let it stop you from loving. Because the day will come when your love may be the balm that soothes another, but it will never fix what is broken in them. Or in you. Only One can do that. And He will. If you let Him.