Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Hard to Breathe

**Advanced Warning** If you cannot stomach a pity party, please exit this blog immediately because I am about to throw a huge one. Thank you.

I want to go on record right now and say I hurt.

I'm talking about that deep down hurt that grasps your heart in a fist and squeezes until you feel bruised from the inside out.

I have had several bad days lately. I am not one to feel sorry for myself, not one to sit around and whine about the unfairness of life, not one to cry or act the fool.

In fact, I am normally a level-headed and very calm person. I have suffered a lot of hurts in my life, and none have crushed me.

Maybe battered me, maybe cracked me, maybe broken me, but never crushed me.

Today, I feel the crushing weight of sorrow, I feel loneliness like I have never felt before. And, it claims my ability to function.

I don't like it. It steals the very breath out of my lungs, this dark sadness.

For one moment the unfairness of it all crushes my spirit, making me wonder what I am doing and why I am doing it. And, I doubt my reasoning, and wonder at my own stupidity.

And cry. God, have I cried today.

I sit here on the verge of what I thought was going to be my great happiness. Do you know how long I waited for that? Do you know how long I have prayed, how long I have begged?

Today, I can't see it. I can't see it. I know where I need to look, but I can't look there. And, I feel so terribly lost. So utterly alone.

I just don't know how to carry this anymore since the weight of it has made it so hard to breathe, so hard to believe.

It's so hard to see anything anymore. I fought for the chance to live, and I have locked myself away in a prison.

I will go to bed tonight and sleep. And, tomorrow holds a promise to be better. I have prayed to know that this won't last, that I will see the promise tomorrow. I can hold on till then.

And, I will.

One shallow breath at a time.

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