I Just Can't Help It.....

Well, yesterday was definitely not a good day to be a Boulet for me at work. I have never been a fan of being called to the office, and, yeah, yesterday just kind of firmed up that dislike for me.

I have not really ever been called to the office at work before, when I really think about it. And the more I think about the whole incident, the more questions come to my mind.

Now I'm not saying I wasn't wrong, and I have been very good and very repentive in my attitude. It was just something that was said during the course of the whole event that keeps coming back to my mind. One of the reasons for my trouble is the fact that I cannot hide how I feel.

You know, this is very true. I can't hide how I feel. I can keep myself composed and I can keep my emotions out of it for the most part, but, as far as showing emotions that I don't actually feel, well, I have a problem doing that.

"I am what I am and that's all that I am" as Popeye used to say. When I'm upset, it shows, when I am happy, it shows, when I am sad, it shows, and when I am disgusted, I guess it shows too. I am usually just better at sucking it up.

I can't be something that I'm not. I mean I really can't. I suppose that makes some people uncomfortable. Or so I have been led to believe over the last 2 days. Maybe I should be apologetic for that, but I don't know, wouldn't it be kind of dumb to apologize for a behavior that I cannot change. It's kind of like Turret's syndrome of outward emotion. I feel it I show it.

I would never go around intentionally hurting people. That is not what I mean at all. And I'm not making excuses for myself either. Not at all.

I know people that can be whatever they want, portray whatever emotion is appropriate for that moment, for that person. I just cannot do that. Is it a bad thing? Umm, obviously it didn't get me the Dedicated to Caring award yesterday, but I won't go so far as to say it's a bad thing.

So, I guess I should also add to my list for yesterday that I am sorry that I cannot turn off my emotions. I would never have won any acting awards. I was upset, my behavior was wrong, my emotion was real.

The Word of the Lord calls me to put on the "whole armor of God" because I am fighting a battle. Of all the attributes of the armor He provides, I don't recall reading that a "happy face" was one of them.

I have gone up against foes that slashed my spirit with a big ole' toothy grin. And then there have been those that attacked me out of "concern" for whatever situation they were bringing against me. I just don't know how to fight that way. If you want to know how I'm feeling about a situation, I guess you just need to look at me.

I know what I truly fight, for "the weapons" of this warfare are not carnal, but spiritual, for the pulling down of the strongholds that I have built in my life. And yea, I may have sat there yesterday and had tears flowing down my face while I was told how badly I had behaved (because I can't hide my disappointment in myself either) and I meant it when I said I would control myself and behave in a proper way, but I won't bow down.

And it hurt me to know that the very first time in my working career that I can think of I have stood up and said what I was feeling, right or wrong, that I get called on the carpet, AND told to "say only nice things to" the person, and to boost them up and encourage them when I have never said an ugly thing to anyone, not even my words of anger yesterday.

But I'll get over that. What I can not get over is being myself. What you see is what you get, and I just can't help it...OK? *GRIN*