Beginning The Process

I have to say that for the first time in my life I am at a loss. I can't quite figure out the next step here as I navigate this new territory. And compounding this is the fact that everything has taken on a surreal quality eclipsing the very evident reality of my life at this point.

I am at a standstill.

I know that there are billions of people in the world that have suffered the same loss that I have. And as a nurse I have studied the Stages of Grief as outlined by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I have seen grief first hand on more than one occasion and I have grieved myself over past loses.

I knew in my mind that day was fast approaching. I actually prayed for God to have his way. And I have listened to the well meaning words that he is no longer suffering, no longer in pain. I do know this even though this is not the main reason I prayed for God to intervene.

I knew that big strong man was still there in that wrecked body. I could look at him and still see him in his starched white shirts, his Florsheim shoes, his steps sure, his posture erect, the dignity he carried himself with and I knew, I knew.

So, today I begin, and I will begin again tomorrow. I don't know what else to do.

Lord, shelter me today. I need you now more than ever.