Backed into a Corner

It's 2:30 am.

I'm awake.

I don't know when sleep will come again.

My name is Sheri.

Let me tell you a little about myself.

First of all, I hate whiners. BOY, do I hate whiners.

And, I hate turmoil, and, dare I say it, drama. (I have found most people who say they hate drama say that for the dramatic effect, so I REALLY hate to even say it)

I'm awake at this time of the night because I have placed myself in a situation.

Please, notice the verbiage here.

I have placed myself in a situation.

I am feeling so torn between logic and the illogic of where I am. There are these moments of clarity on either side, but when the logical side is clear it is accompanied by a burning in the pit of my stomach that I cannot rid myself of.

I have backed myself in a corner and I know of no way out. There is no knight in shining armor going to ride in on his white horse and save me. I have no one to call out to who is even listening out for me.

I dreamed a dream and like other dreams of my past when I lead with my heart, I have come to realize that some dreams are only that. Dreams.

There is this ongoing argument between logic and illogic. And, I know I recently introduced you to anxiety girl. Yeah. I hate her. Because of her I behave in ways I would NEVER normally behave. I loath people that behave like I have because of her.

But, you see, I dreamed of being happy. I dreamed of the same stupid thing I dreamed of long ago. And lying here at 2:34 am I can hear a distinct voice. It says "you're an idiot for thinking you could have your dreams."

It says, "no one will ever want you. You are fooling yourself. You fought and prayed to feel the sun on your face, but now all you feel is the press of the wall in the corner you have backed yourself in."

I have never been much for telling my business. And I am sure there are those who will read this and think one thing when it is another. But, right now I would that I had someone to tell my heart to.

I am listening for the sound of hooves as my knight approaches.

Lord, I need You tonight. You are the only one who can save me from myself.

Anxiety Girl Strikes Again. Story at 11.

I was having a conversation with my brilliant cousin about my self esteem issues. I have issues....I know this to be true. No delusions here. 

They are deep rooted and therefore I know they will be difficult to remove. The moment of my life that best sums up my issues is this....

I planned a surprise for him. We didn't have much money so I had to really plan. Cheap hotel for the night....balloons....etc. 

We went to the room to drop off our things and then to eat at a restaurant near by. I sat across from him listening to him explain to me how lucky I was to have him since no one would ever want me. 

And, at that exact moment, the guy at the booth behind me FINALLY freed the ketchup from the bottle with all his frantic pounding. As I listened to how worthless I was, ketchup landed in my hair and ran down my face as if to add the dot on the exclamation point of my pitiful existence. 

Horrible story. And, not the worst unfortunately. 

But, I digress. 

Sometimes I have a hard time realizing my own value. And in those times when my sense of worth is shaky it seems like something always happens. 

ALWAYS. 

So, my cousin and I were talking. She is well aware of my insecurities and when I verbalized how I was feeling she quickly reminded me of some things I needed to hear. 

And like a balloon when stabbed with a knife I could feel that fear seeping away. 

Why is it fear comes into out lives? Man, I wish I knew. I do know the One who can take my fears. Just like her words did, He can cause it all to deflate and peace to come back in. 

Yeah....that's me. What can I say? Haha

Be It Ever So Humble

I have been in the market for a new home. I want to be closer to my new job because all that travel everyday is for the birds, and I want to be able to have my little furry girl with me until Ethan has a place to put her.

And, I want to have the money I'm spending go toward something that will be mine one day. I have been approved for a loan and have been searching for a manageable home in the area I want to settle in for now.

I found one home that was cute as a bug in a rug. Unfortunately, when they did the inspection several things were brought to light that made me leery of having to deal with these issues in the future. So, I am withdrawing my offer.

I found another really nice home in the country that has never been occupied. I went to look at it today and it has tons of potential. Every wall in the home is white sheet rock, so I was already imagining colors in my mind as I strolled through the house.

It has a split floor plan, which I love and a huge master bedroom with a walk-in closet, a garden tub, and a shower with seats.

It just needs some TLC.

I have never been fancy smancy. I enjoy the simple things and simple life. So, this would be well within my needs. It even has a little stream and a back deck I could put my parents old patio table and my fire pit on.

I have been extremely busy lately, but I am hoping that will all slow down. I start a new job in the morning that I am excited and terrified about. Needless to say, I am hitting the hay early tonight.

I will update when I make a decision and let you guys see my humble abode. In the meantime, I will keep plucking along.

Night all!!

Can You Read My Mind?

Boy, I tell you...this has been a roller coaster month. I am exhausted.

So much has been happening. I have a career change on the horizon. I am waiting to see what lands where, but so far, it is looking pretty good.

I have had a terrible blow to my heart. Not the kind of blow you are thinking of. It's the kind of blow that scares me to the depths of my soul. But, I know that it will have to get better because my heart can't take it if it doesn't.

There are other things going on that are warm and wonderful and make me happy even in my hurt. Like, I think I may be getting a puppy soon to go along with some other things.

There are few things that hurt me worse than knowing my kids have been hurt. There is not much more in life that mean more to me that my babies. Here I am, having a midlife crisis, I suppose, and it has hurt one of my babies.

It is not that I have run out an purchased a sports car and have been riding around a boy-toy. Lord, no...hahaha

I have changed. I am still who I have always been. My heart is still my heart. I am still that same woman with the same love, but I have changed. And, in the midst of all the other changes in our lives of late, it has hurt my baby. That cuts me to my core.

I wish you could read my thoughts, read my mind and you would be able to understand how hard this has been for me. I have spent the past 26 years focused on my two sweethearts.

All these changes of late have made it hard to breathe, hard to remember that I am going to be OK, and I know it has been for them, too. Hard to remember that above all else we have each other and our love.

But, I know that all will be well. A very wise man reminded me lately that he knows I love him, and he won't forget. He also reminded me it is time for me to let them grow up. I am trying, but it is very, very, VERY hard.

I do wish he could read my mind and see my heart. Then he would understand and he would know, and never, ever be afraid or doubt.

Eyes Wide Open

I can see the swirl around me

I can feel the brush of fate

I can hear the whispered words

And the warnings come too late

For I knew in the beginning

What the cost would be

Yet I paid the price completely

Though the cost was great for me

I can see

My eyes are wide open

And I know the truth

My lips cannot say

I can feel

And I feel sorrow

As I see 

With eyes wide open. 

Hard to Breathe

**Advanced Warning** If you cannot stomach a pity party, please exit this blog immediately because I am about to throw a huge one. Thank you.


I want to go on record right now and say I hurt.

I'm talking about that deep down hurt that grasps your heart in a fist and squeezes until you feel bruised from the inside out.

I have had several bad days lately. I am not one to feel sorry for myself, not one to sit around and whine about the unfairness of life, not one to cry or act the fool.

In fact, I am normally a level-headed and very calm person. I have suffered a lot of hurts in my life, and none have crushed me.

Maybe battered me, maybe cracked me, maybe broken me, but never crushed me.

Today, I feel the crushing weight of sorrow, I feel loneliness like I have never felt before. And, it claims my ability to function.

I don't like it. It steals the very breath out of my lungs, this dark sadness.

For one moment the unfairness of it all crushes my spirit, making me wonder what I am doing and why I am doing it. And, I doubt my reasoning, and wonder at my own stupidity.

And cry. God, have I cried today.

I sit here on the verge of what I thought was going to be my great happiness. Do you know how long I waited for that? Do you know how long I have prayed, how long I have begged?

Today, I can't see it. I can't see it. I know where I need to look, but I can't look there. And, I feel so terribly lost. So utterly alone.

I just don't know how to carry this anymore since the weight of it has made it so hard to breathe, so hard to believe.

It's so hard to see anything anymore. I fought for the chance to live, and I have locked myself away in a prison.

I will go to bed tonight and sleep. And, tomorrow holds a promise to be better. I have prayed to know that this won't last, that I will see the promise tomorrow. I can hold on till then.

And, I will.

One shallow breath at a time.

Waiting

Misty dawn barely breaking
I'm waiting
This day is the day it all comes true
You may laugh with a scornful laugh
But, laughter fades in time
When promises are rich and full.

With my eyes gazing forward
I'm praying
And knowing it is not in vain
The pleasure of it all around me
A dream I've dreamed
Opens fully and overfills my heart.

I know the thoughts you think
I can feel them
The darkness you cast my way
Wants to press in
But, in spite of all the rage
In spite bitterness
In spite of it all
And in the face of doubt
No matter what the end
My heart will win.

Night presses in cool and silent
And I'm waiting
For tomorrow comes with promises new
Love is only in vain when denied
And the truth of it all
Is love will live in hope for all time.

I close my eyes tonight
I am dreaming
Of years and years of knowing it was mine
Of moments sweetly lived
Of love I freely give
Of yesterdays with memories of mine.