Burial At Sea

The Following Blog Is Real...Based On Real Life And Real Emotions.

Colossians 3:13....even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

Sunday night...Revival Service with Brother Darrell Bennett....
God was there...I was forever changed...

Never have I ever been in a service where God spoke more directly to me. The title of the sermon was "God, Deliver Us From Knothole Religion."

And during the altar call, when he said, "Make room, here in the front. There is a lady here who needs deliverance, who is in prison, bound by anxiety and the past," I knew I had no other choice.

Because, you see, I knew it was me.

Oh, like he said, I am not imprisoned by pornography, or dirty books, or alcohol, or anything like that. And I serve God.

But, I have been shackled to something dead. I have been shackled to a dead little girl that was killed by fallen dreams.

And I have never forgiven. I have forgiven the *murderer,* but never that little girl who believed in perfect, in a love that would heal all wounds. I have never forgiven that little girl who allowed herself to be hurt over and over and over, until she died a tormented death, and was replaced by a weary and cautious woman, filled with anxiety and fearing the same fate, for herself, for her children.

Standing at that altar Sunday night, I listened as Brother Bennett prayed with my son, who is seeking a refilling of the Holy Ghost. I listened as I wept copiously as he told him to hold up his head, and reminded him God loved him.

And I realized that little girl haunted him too....

To that young woman, who was nothing more than a child, I have mourned for you long enough. My sorrow, my pain for what you endured has trapped me, and chained me to a past that is better off buried in the sea of forgetfulness.

I am sorry, sorry for the pain, sorry that you had no way to cope with what happened to you. But I can't live with that guilt chained to me anymore. I am not satisfied with looking through the hole in the fence anymore. I want to climb to the top, look fully over the other side. And I can't make that climb carrying you on my back.

So, at that altar, I cast your lifelessness into the sea. I don't think I can forget, but I do forgive. I know you did the best you knew how to do, you survived the only way you could. I owe you so much, for without you, I wouldn't have the courage to say goodbye.

Goodbye to you sweet innocent girl. Rest in peace at last.